From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, Chairperson
***Sorry about not getting out a memo since July, but activity at headquarters has picked up immeasurably, requiring attention to everything from the debates to the arguments over when the states will conduct their primaries. Since there are more democrats in New York City alone than in Iowa and New Hampshire combined, the feeling by many is that the tail is wagging the donkey with respect to the process. There may be something to this, especially since Iowa picked the wrong candidate last time (defeating me…for recent college grads). The rumors that my “college corps” scared Iowans in 2004 is untrue, though some did complain about metal rings in anatomical places they could not imagine, and clothes which defied both description and the sense of smell. This being the case, DNC staffers are urged not to wear more than one ring in each ear, as well as no rings in lips, tongues, navels, nipples, noses, love handles, eyelids, and eyebrows. This is especially true in the South, where the unsophisticated still believe that rings are for keys and little else, and that only homosexual men wear them in any body-location. Also, three staffers in Kansas were struck by lightning recently. They each were wearing at least 12 rings, and one staffer lost an ear, another had a lacerated navel, and the third had a bird fly up his greatly enlarged nose.
***There will be posters available soon showing the scene in the Senate Foreign Relations hearing in which Senator Clinton looked General Petraeus squarely in the eye and called him a liar. These are to be placed in all meetings predominately attended by women. There will be another poster showing Senator Biden agreeing with her in his SLATE interview shortly after her grand action. These are to be shown in meetings predominately attended by MoveOn.org operatives and in any gathering attended by people with multiple rings in all parts of the body. The “General Betray-Us” ad in the New York Times is NOT – repeat is NOT – to be shown on these posters. Please put out the word that the New York Times did not throw an $80,000-discount to George Soros for the ad, and that it will not do something like that again.
***It has been rumored that staffers gathered around the water fountain have been snickering about the debates, claiming they are not debates but merely circuses where “monkey see, monkey do.” While the debates admittedly are actually not debates, they comprise the perfect setting for the “sound-bite” type of campaigns that are so attractive now, especially geared for TV. In their recent outings before the homosexual community and the AARP-types, the eight candidates had little time to elucidate, but staffers are to note in their meetings with workers that the respective positions of the candidates are essentially the same on the social issues, to wit, that men may marry men (or the family dog, for that matter) and that old codgers should not have to die…ever…or even get sick. This may seem off-the-wall, but remember that the party line is and always has been that voters, by and large, are too dumb to make any decisions for themselves and will believe anything if it’s repeated often enough.
***Senator Obama has indicated that his views are not to be connected to those of his church, which has this in its self-identification statement: We are an African people, and remain "true to our native land," the mother continent, the cradle of civilization. He has requested a white paper to be drawn up explaining that his position is the same as that of John F. Kennedy in 1960, when his Catholicism was an issue in some areas. The committee on loyalty and social issues is hard at work on this project but is having a hard time with the “mother continent, the cradle of civilization” thing, the historicity element being a problem. Obama will claim that the statement fits only church members as they are in church but not when they are anywhere else. Care needs to be taken not to offend the Reverends Sharpton and Jackson (recently returned from Jena) and the Right Reverend Honorable Imam Minister Dr. Farrakhan, since, while the black vote has always been blue, it must not be taken for granted and these three paragons of virtue guarantee it in spades.
***Michael Moore is working on a new propaganda film, the rumor being that it will feature the fight by a brave Dan Rather with CBS in his $70 million lawsuit against the network for offing him over the 2004 Texas Air National Guard matter, which is not to be described as a hoax but as the result of honest reporting, negated by Viacom, the CBS-owner, for reasons unspecified. Rather has already been giving interviews in which he points out the nefarious machinations by corporations owning news outlets to play nice with the administration. Staffers are not to use news clips by NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, or CNN in their presentations, since these paint the administration as evil/insensitive/corrupt and would give a gigantic lie to Moore’s efforts. The title of the film tentatively is “Fahrenheit Boiling-Point” and the logo will be a 1967-model typewriter going down with wings aflame.
***Everyone is urged to print nothing the candidates say about each other, since to do so would prove that they are not only incompetent, but crazy, as well. Until the next time, as Senator Biden would say, FLUFFERNUTTER!
And so it goes.