Monday, September 29, 2008

DNC Memorandum #35

From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair-whiz (Save Education!)

***This is another two-memo month, since things are moving fast now in the run-up to the Election November 4 (for recent graduates with majors in revised history) and many mistaken pollsters are giving Senator McCain a chance. The DNC main propaganda arm, NBC/MSNBC, is running an ad featuring McCain with his head in stitches and some doctors prophesying that he may not make it past the second day in office if elected, since his current cancer-free circumstance is due to change at any moment. As the nation's best-known physician, I've been accused of fostering that ad, but as the nation's most qualified politician I've denied any connection. In any case, I'll not foster it again, perhaps on CBS, though another ad critical of McCain is in the works condemning him for not doing e-mail or even being able to raise his arms to a key-board position. Any staffer knowing of any other McCain disabilities is urged to e-mail that info to me so that I can refine it into an Armageddon event. Even a slight head-cold is an acceptable subject, since head-colds have been known to cause dementia account of nasal discharges draining in the wrong direction. The wag who claimed that Senator Leahy is an example of such has been assigned to the Galveston area for canvassing (and dodging snakes).

***The effort to make Governor Palin a totally unqualified vice presidential candidate is not going well enough at present. The best proof is that neither Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, nor Katie Couric has yet reduced her to tears in an interview, and it's rumored that Walters may not even ask her if she'd like to be a tree in another life. The claim by the mainstream media that her daughter had Palin's six-month-old child has been blown since the daughter herself is pregnant by nearly that many months. A check with three democrat pediatricians indicated this impossibility, though the vote was two-to-one and one of the others flipped a coin. The National Organization of Women is planning an ad attacking Palin for not aborting the Downs-Syndrome child (or all of her other children, for that matter), since being so handicapped or living in Alaska, they claim, is too hard on a child, what with all those dangerous sled-dogs around. Neither Oprah nor the girls on The View want her to appear on their programs for the obvious reason – she's kinda pretty, at least for a politician, and will usurp all the attention.

***Senator Obama is still not pleased with the papers submitted concerning what a "typical Pentecostal" is, so that he can properly grab that vote away from Palin. Having finally decided what a "typical white person is," he also has not been able to properly identify the "typical Muslim." I've heard snickering around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, and endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart about calling them both "fundamentalists" and letting it go with that. Do not – repeat – DO NOT contrive such a falsehood for the obvious reason that Muslim fundamentalists do evangelism by beheading people, while Pentecostals do evangelism by their harmless preaching. Also, there have been no takers thus far in the appeal earlier for someone to write another Obama autobiography, although one of his Kenyan relatives has offered to sell vital information.

***As the result of a tip by democrat-operative Dan Rather, who – for a price – has promised to reveal incontrovertible evidence that Palin has offered, if elected, to work to sell part of the Aleutians back to the Russians in exchange for campaign funds, the effort is being made to strike a deal with the former CBS anchor. George Soros of has enough PAC money to strike the deal with Rather, but is holding out for the rights to all the minerals found in the islands. Rather claims that he can produce an e-mail sent from an Alaska Air Guard Web address – with a copy to Palin – negotiating a price. Even though the price in 1867 was just two cents per acre, Rather has hinted that Putin has offered all of Chechnya, with three gulags thrown in. In any case, the subterfuge would automatically eliminate McCain/Palin.

***As announced previously, Michael Moore was planning a new movie – actually a quickie quasi-documentary – tentatively entitled Alaskan Amazon Amok and featuring an evil female governor bashing baby seals in the head, drilling for oil through grizzly-bear hibernation caves, frog-gigging and rabbit-hunting with a 5,000-watt spotlight, and seeding catfish ponds with bales of hay but has been dissuaded by the NRA (death threats allegedly involved) and has shifted his focus to a musical tentatively titled "The Pain in McCain is Mainly in His Reign." It will feature an old curmudgeon with stitches holding his forehead to his out-sized jaws invading countries chosen by pinning a tail on a donkey…or, in this case, a world map. The rumor that Obama tried this method and chose Mississippi is untrue. The senator has said he never thought Mississippi wasn't a state and won't think it again.

***Some of Senator Obama's friends in Hollywood, besides giving millions, are working on an ad portraying the senator riding up the Capitol steps on a white horse (a la Andrew Jackson, a former president, for recent doctoral grads) named "Bailout Babe" and rescuing a beautiful woman named "Fanny Freddie" from evil Wall Street types, lobbyists, bureaucrats, lazy regulators, honest legislators (all three of them), and a desperado, "Panicky Paulson," whose horse, "Perdition Pegasus," has been shot with enough steroids called "Collectors' Calumnies" to carry him to Andrews Air Base, where he'll meet with a Cowboy and Bird-shooter and try to ride off into the sunset. All three major TV-networks have signed-on to carry it, but Barbra Streisand is holding up production until she decides on a color for "Perdition Pegasus." Red and yellow, black and white are out, since it's not supposed to be precious in God's sight.

***Everyone is urged to put in 18-hour days until Nov. 4. This is from Memorandum #1 of February 2005 and still applies: Since an effort must be made in the South to gain support, the effort must be made to understand NASCAR, church revivals, and at least a passing knowledge of the names of Confederate Civil War generals. Be sure to accuse Sherman and U.S. Grant of perfidy, but only in the South. Do this with care because there is a handful of media types who might leak this in the North, although most of them wouldn't know Confederate generals from the Notre Dame backfield of 1939. Cultivate a taste for grits and hominy, and DO NOT grimace when eating these foods. While they may appear as poisonous to the palate, Chairman/Doctor Dean assures that they will not harm and may even aid and abet the workings of the alimentary canal. If this should overly happen, be sure to have on hand at all times a bottle of Pepto-Bismol or Imodium. If you should actually like these foods, you may need to be reeducated at an indoctrination facility soon to be established, since you may be more red than blue.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Those Awful LEECHES!!!!

The big news in the Lexington Herald-Leader of 23 September was that Governor Beshear has declared war on Internet gambling enterprises, calling them "leeches on our communities." HELLO! Is this the same governor who's tried every way imaginable to cover the state with casinos, especially at racetracks, where his kind of folks hang out and make/spend big bucks. The "little people" have to make do with off-track betting of whatever description is available, which entities also are "leeches on our communities."

The guv sees the Internet stuff as competition for his precious potential casinos – especially at the racetracks, of course – and so makes this compassionate move to protect the public from the "leeches on our communities." Does anyone think he gives a flip about the "little guy?" Of course not! He just wants to make sure that the "little guy," while being suckered also becomes part of the tax scheme for the state, not to mention filling the pockets of his cronies – especially those in the racetrack crowd, of course – and making their lives consequently happy while they, too, fulfill their calling as "leeches on our communities."

This is no brief for gambling. It's not the way to go. However, if the "little guy" wants to throw away his money in the privacy of his own home, why should the governor or anyone else care? That's a lot cheaper than buying gas at $3.60 per gallon to drive over to Keeneland or Churchill Downs or any of the other racetracks, whether or not races are ever run in them. In fact, it's even cheaper than sashaying down to the convenience store for lottery tickets, where the proprietors, along with their partners in crime known as the state, fare well as "leeches on our communities." Let's hear it for the leeches…whoever they are!!!!

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

The Fraud of "Bailout"

The capitalist system that has made this country the richest and most productive in the world has been sorely blind-sided this year as the rich, haughty, and greedy have swindled the very nation of its chance to sustain the process that has inculcated success so extraordinary as to invite the envy of the world's nations. The current crisis, spawned by the "operators" who conned relatively ignorant people into believing that they could indeed buy something they couldn't afford or borrow money they couldn't pay back, is being played out in the "bailout," as a totally unprepared government (or should that be a colluding one?) puts on a show of desperation vis-à-vis the nation's economic survivability, translated as actual existence.

The government actually started this devolvement into financial chaos, whether real or imagined, earlier this year when it decreed that a "stimulus" was needed and mandated the method – paying taxpayers for doing…nothing. This is the kind of thing that makes the socialists of the ilk of Congressional democrats fall all over themselves with joy. The reason: proof positive that only government is able to decide who should and should not have money. The result: not much in the way of practical considerations as proven by the current mischief brought on by the scam artists in both business and government.

Bailing out financial institutions whose head honchos milked the system for all they could, prepared themselves some golden parachutes and then walked away in the glory of bankruptcy is reminiscent of the Clinton years when those same arrogant so-and-so's in fulfilling their greed co-opted IRA's and other pension plans, leaving the "little people" with nothing. Think Enron and WorldCom. Some of those thieves actually went to jail, and the time has come for some of the smooth operators who manufactured the current mess to join them.

Almost within hours of letting one financial institution – Lehman Brothers – sink into bankruptcy and vowing that the government should not be in the business of rescuing badly managed enterprises, Treasury Secretary Paulson reversed course when it became clear that the crooks masquerading as businessmen had delivered the nation itself – or so alleged – to the cusp of bankruptcy. The result: the nation became the owner of AIG and the $700 billion worth of worthless paper, as if anyone actually knows the extent of damage. Actually, the government owns much more, with the work-a-day taxpayers footing the bill, even though they had nothing to do with the problem.

This means, of course, that the U.S. government has nationalized this huge segment of the world's financial structure. This is called socialism in countries like Cuba and Venezuela, but it's called reaction to expediency in this country. President Truman attempted to nationalize the railroads some 60 or so years ago and his actions were no different from what's happening now. This makes democrats like Representative Barney Frank, House Finance Committee chairman, happy since it proves that nationalism can actually take place here and that it's absolutely necessary in order for everyone to have everything he wants whether or not he's entitled to it or can afford it, since the producers – the taxpayers – can be coerced into making it possible.

The die for senseless giveaways was cast in 2005 when President Bush pulled out the magic number of $100 billion and dedicated it to New Orleans to rebuild a city eight feet below sea level, still sinking, and in existence only because of more than 300 miles of levees that can't stand a Level-4 hurricane, if that – nobody actually knows. At present, the mayor of Galveston is lobbying Washington for some $2.5 billion to rebuild that city, even though it could be blown away again next year just as it was by a hurricane in 1900, when some 6,000 people died. This is foolhardiness. If the money is to be spent, let it be spent on relocation of people, not rebuilding something virtually certain to be destroyed again.

As for government, remember that Barack Obama picked Jim Johnson as a mover and shaker in finding his veep candidate. Johnson is a former Fannie Mae CEO, whose associations with sub-prime lender Countrywide Financial and other corporations touched off a controversy that led to his resignation from Obama's committee just weeks ago. Senator Chris Dodd, chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, got sugar-sticks from Countrywide, too, by receiving loans at below market rate. The lower rates saved the senator about $58,000 on his Washington residence over the life of the loan, and $17,000 on the Connecticut home. Reason for the discount: none. He just happened to be head of a very important committee.

Fannie Mae has contributed $726,650 to Congressional lawmakers, republicans and democrats alike, this election cycle. House Speaker Pelosi received $10,000, for instance. Actually, there's no telling what lawmakers have received, since there's no way of knowing about the entirely possible "underground" deals in a city known for its corruption. Think William Jefferson, who still walks the halls of Congress, notwithstanding being caught red-handed accepting money ($90,000) in a parking garage and stashing it in a freezer, where it was found by investigators. Former Congressman Abramoff at least went to jail.

There's enough blame to go around in this debacle. The lawmakers constantly yammer about their grave "oversight" responsibilities, but congressional committees will spend years unsuccessfully trying to subpoena "enemies" for partisan reasons, as in the firing of eight prosecutors, while their actual sworn duties go begging. Nobody's at home in either the White House or the Congress, and the nation is suffering for it. Reporters such as John Fund, for instance, have been on this subject for years, but the drive of Congressional democrats toward socialism and the sheer incompetence of their republican colleagues, combined with outrageous dishonesty on all sides, call for a massive house-cleaning.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Ahmadinejad - Religion & Obamessiah

It’s late at night in a cave just east of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border (or just west…depending on which gang of border thugs beheaded the other). Osama bin Laden and his second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, are meeting with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, hereinafter referred to as O, A, and M, respectively.

~M: How do you live in the midst of these bat droppings…praise Allah for the sands of Persia, where there are no bats and…

~A: Hah! There are no bats in that benighted…Allah forgive this dunce…what do you mean by Persia, you silly ox? Persia…oh ha ha ha…get that Osama…Mahmoud has forgotten the name of his own…

~M (brandishing his AK-47): Keep laughing, you one-eyed Egyptian ninny-sunni and I'll…Allah forbid him the virgins…match your eyes completely…

~O: Stop it, you two…Allah be ashamed of this wrangling over nothing…

~M: Over nothing! I use the term Persia on purpose…Allah remember the glory days of Israeli blood on the sands…because it was a world power…remember the Medes and Persians. Iran is a silly name…I am a satire of glorious Persia, which will wipe the Israelis off the map for good this time…and then aim our new glorious warheads provided by Putin at the tallest buildings in New York and…

A: Oh, stuff it, you son of a camel driver's servant…Allah be not amused with this silly ass. You forget so soon, Mahmoud, it's satrap, not satire. You're still hung-up on that New Yorker cover of Obamessiah and his wife, with our glorious leader staring down at those sinners. And speaking of tall buildings, what is this event you have planned for next week in New York, where…oh ha ha ha…I still remember the ashes all over the streets seven years ago and how we laughed, Osama…Allah send all New Yorkers to where the sun never shines…

O (distracted and singing off-key): In the pines, in the pines where the sun never shines and the…

M: What are pines, Osama?

A: Osama's been listening to Radio Free Europe again to that bluegrass music…Allah be mortified. Stop it Osama…or at least learn the tune.

O: Sorry, great defenders of Mohammad and all that's sacred. Now, Mahmoud, what is this meeting all about in the tall building?

M: Oh ha ha ha…Allah be glorified…I'm to be honored by the American religious elite at the Ramadan Feast at that New York tall building, the Grand Hyatt…the place of sin owned by the finance chairman of Barack Hussein Obama's campaign for the U.S. presidency…Allah forgive me for going where they drink coffee and whiskey and the women wear gownless evening straps and…

O: Gownless evening straps, Mahmoud! I thought that was strapless evening gowns at the proms when I was in the U.S. Gownless evening straps…whew…whew…whew…

A: Osama found a copy of that decadent Playboy magazine in a bodyguard's Koran and…but praise Allah for machetes…he had the boy's hands chopped off at sunrise yesterday.

M: The World Council of Churches will be the main player…oh ha ha ha…our brothers are butchering their members all over the world…praise Allah for worldwide genocide of infidels…and I'm the featured guest at the WCC Ramadan blowout. They claim Allah and God of Abraham are the same…oh ha ha ha…they don't even know their own belief. That's what we claim.

A: Careful there, Mahmoud, the sacred Ramadan should not be called a blowout…Allah forgive this killer of Sunnis in Iraq, but not for always…it is a sacred…

M: I call it a blowout because it will be celebrated in Iraq with five glorious bombings…praise Allah for the women bombers…and in Sudan with another 100,000 women raped and…by the way, is it true that women bombers are promised 72 gigolos in Paradise?

O: Enough of this small talk, but yes, the women are being promised the gigolos. How else could they be persuaded…Allah forgive us for lying to them…but, after all, Mohammad did little girls. Genocide is nothing new, even if the pushy women are getting into the act…something called feminism by feminazis in the U.S., where no burkas are worn and not much of anything else these days…Ayman, when can we have that parley with the Rice woman in the U.S., where the burkas are replaced by bikinis, and faces and most everything else may not be covered, even on Halloween, whatever that is? Whew!!!

A: I'd like to get out of this accursed cave as much as you, Osama, but…Allah be merciful…you must curb your appetite for the obscene or…(raises arms)…put down your AK-47…I only meant a hookah with tobacco instead of poppies. (faces M) Mahmoud, will you plan a bombing for the Ramadan observance…make the blowout a blast…oh ha ha ha…send the Christians to their hell…

M: You idiot, Ayman…Allah give him at least another brain cell…of course not. You think I would blow up the goodie-two-shoes crowd with myself in their midst? Bah! I will make friends with Obama's prime money-maker, the lady who owns the palace. Barack Hussein is our choice for the presidency, of course, especially since he has already said he will parley with me without any conditions…oh ha ha ha…I will take him to the cleaners, as they say in America.

O: Do you plan to promise to shut down your nuclear stuff in exchange for Hawaii, Mahmoud…Allah look the other way…all those beaches and pretty girls…whew…whew?

A: a-a-a-r-r-r-g-g-g-h-h-h-a-a-a-r-r-g-g-h-h-A-A-A-R-R-R-G-G-H-H-H…ON TO WISCONSIN!!!!

O (firing AK-47 into wall): Shut up, you goat-bag! Forgive him, Mahmoud. As you know…Allah be ashamed of him…when he is frustrated, Ayman launches into the scream patented by the American Howard Dean in 2004.

A: Now look what you've done, Osama! The ricochets have bounced all over this accursed tomb of a cave and one of them has gone through the CD-player…so…no more Dixie Chicks and the rappers calling for all police to be killed and all sisters to become ho's and…

O: Mahmoud, when you visit with the Saudis, please get them to shower a few million shekels of the oil money they take from the Americans and send it over here to modernize this cave since it looks like we'll be here for a while. I've used all my cash but what I've deposited on Grand Caymon Island, where all the rich Americans put their money to dodge the taxes…oh ha ha ha…if I can just ever get over there there'll be a good time in the old town tonight!

A: That American music again…a-a-a-r-r-g-g…okay, okay…no more Dean scream!

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Lunsford & Corruption - What a Laugh!

Among the most misleading of commercials in the Kentucky senatorial campaign is the one released this week by democrat Bruce Lunsford in his third effort to buy an office in government. He has spent some $16 million or so during three campaigns, the first two for the Kentucky governorship and the latter currently for the U.S. Senate. He never made it out of the primary for the state offices, despite spending about $14 million in those races.

In the new TV ad, Lunsford accuses republican senator Mitch McConnell of corruption, showing clips of him and Senator McCain in such a way as to make this into fact (accusation by McCain), despite there being absolutely no proof of corruption and despite the fact that McCain did not even mention McConnell or anyone else. This is reaching far beyond the pale of honesty and actually makes Lunsford look both intensely desperate and hypocritical to an unbelievable degree.

In his first gubernatorial race, Lunsford became incensed, dropped out of the primary (despite the $7 million investment), and supported the republican in the general election. That may not connote corruption per se, but it gives an insight as to the thinking of Lunsford with respect to any philosophy of government he might have. Whether on the basis of expediency or intellectual stability, Lunsford is a loose cannon. He either doesn't know what he stands for or merely stands for whatever the market seems to buy at any given time. This is dangerous, representing government by poll and notwithstanding any personal convictions. This is from WAVE-TV of 20 October 2003: "'I will support the congressman [republican Fletcher] anyway he wants me to,' Lunsford told reporters."

It goes deeper than that, however, with respect to corruption. Lunsford was a founder of Vencor, a highly successful company that he took public and then led into bankruptcy while apparently keeping for himself a "golden parachute" allowing for the millions he can spend uselessly on one election after another. Indeed, at one point Lunsford's Vencor paid a $270,000 fine. His company actually evicted Medicaid patients from its nursing homes in Florida in favor of patients for which payments, both private and governmental, would be higher. That kind of action virtually defines corruption.

Particularly at this time when it has become increasingly apparent that corruption is devastating the nation's financial systems to the point that government is forced to take them over (actually nationalizing them a la the socialist model), there needs to be no consideration of yet another "slick" operator like Lunsford leeching his way into office. Replacing the minority leader of the Senate, McConnell, with a man whose corruption HAS been proven is too intolerable a proposition for even a second's worth of consideration.

In the 90s it was the evil Enron/WorldCom axis of evil. Some of those "golden parachute" guys went to prison. Lately, there's Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Countrywide (sugar-daddy benefactor of Senate Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd), Lehman Brothers, and AIG. When and/or if the government does its job, it should find plenty of other customers for the nation's "Big Houses."

People who pant for more and bigger government are seeing now what that amounts to – the gradual usurpation of private enterprise, the element driving survivability through the personal/private innovativeness upon which this nation has been built. For a look at what that means one has only to scrutinize "Olde Europe" for the "benign" approach to decline or Russia for the "harsh" approach. Either spells doom to the American way of life. Rich democrats like Lunsford don't have to worry, but the average family does.

Lunsford reportedly has many more millions stashed in the landing-pad under that "golden parachute." When he loses this race as Kentucky goes for McCain and House republicans, perhaps he can attempt to buy Senator Bunning's seat in 2010 or take another shot at Congressman Chandler's seat that year.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Dear Senator Obama,

You'll notice that I used the warm-fuzzy, friendly comma instead of the usual, stern colon after my greeting, even though this is a business letter. The reason: You mentioned in that interview the other evening that you intend to make government "cool," the inference consequently drawn here that you're laid-back and a first-name kind of guy who wouldn't mind being called Barry if we should meet. This is partly the reason for this letter, i.e., I believe you can be helped in your campaign by my firm, the Institute for Modifying All Government Entities, known familiarly, especially in Washington, by its acronym – IMAGE.

Making government "cool" is not "in" this year, notwithstanding the need for Vice President Cheney to appear human. Making government "cool" is like appreciating a speeding ticket from the "cool" trooper who flashes a "cool" smile while flashing his "cool" badge and "coolly" heads you toward financial ruin. There's no argument with your effort, but you need the help of an IMAGE arm called the Department for Understanding Propaganda Effects, known by its acronym DUPE. DUPE would have shown you how to make the government "cool" by not mentioning "cool" at all; rather, for instance, you might have said you intend for government to take a hike when party-time has arrived. The dull public would never imagine that you consider party-time as all the time, since the boonies figure party-time to be just a fling…over in a few hours, whether one is under the table or not.

That willowy dance you pulled off on the Ellen Degeneres TV-program was a mistake, though you at least didn't hang upside-down as you might have been forced to do if you had appeared on the Rosie O'Donnell show when Rosie was still pretending sanity. You would have been warned off that gig if you had availed yourself of the IMAGE agency Department for Inclusiveness in Verbally Enhancing Religious and Sexual Emotions, known for short as DIVERSE. Instead of doing an emotionally charged suggestive dance, you would have engaged Degeneres in a deep discussion (verbal enhancement combined with religious/sexual/sensuous enhancement) of what you said before that Gay, Lesbian, Transgender audience a few months ago, when you and Hillary were fighting for that vote but not dancing in the aisles or quoting scripture. Senator Biden didn't participate, and it's rumored that one of his staffers plagiarized material from a DIVERSE manual that warned him away from that clambake. He fired the staffer on the grounds of plagiarism but took the advice.

That slip-of-the-tongue, presumably, on the ABC Stephanopoulos clambake the other Sunday when you alluded to your "Muslim faith" and had to be corrected by George concerning your "Christian faith," thus causing viewers to wonder, would not have happened if you had been prompted by the IMAGE agency known as the Institute for Deceptively Innovative Observations of Truth, known familiarly as IDIOT. Being a Muslim is okay, as is being a Christian, but Islam is terribly unattractive at this time (those awful bombs and beheadings), while Christianity is acceptable even among the murderers on Death Row. IDIOT would furnish ways to present the faith in ways that would antagonize no one, especially those from the Mason-Dixon line southward in the "Bible Belt," where facing East five times a day is considered to be warmongering and sacrilegious. For instance, IDIOT might have prompted you to say something like "my faith that is the exact opposite of the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright's." That would have been a winner, and all the righteous, rowdy rednecks would have toasted you with a six-pack.

The IMAGE agency known as Facial Ostentation Prestidigitation Seminar, obviously FOPS, for short, would certainly have kept you from mentioning the application of lipstick to pig-lips so soon after repub veep candidate Sarah Palin had mentioned it in connection with soccer moms. Though FOPS generally applies suggestions concerning the face of the client (use of tongue- and nose-rings, for instance), in this case it would have concerned the face of the opposition. Insulting soccer moms comprises a death-wish. In a FOPS session, the convener addressing this subject probably would have mentioned the simple tying of a bow around a pig-neck, thus making whatever point you had in mind such as the economy or Palin, but without the obvious chauvinism occasioned by the lipstick remark. Or, he might suggest going scriptural (popular these days, especially since Palin is a Pentecostal) and warning against throwing pearls before the swine.

As you can see from these examples, you need help, not unusual for candidates in the heat of a campaign, when each crowd addressed, not to mention the media audiences, demands specific approaches. In closing, I suggest the use of another IMAGE agency immediately, namely the Syllogism Locution Institution for Purveying Propaganda, Errata and Righteous Yammering (SLIPPERY, for short). The acronym speaks for its use, notwithstanding the mistaken conclusion by some that SLIPPERY merely puts things out of focus – everything. I hope to hear from you soon.

I.M. Reverself, CEO

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Coach on a RAMPAGE!

On the front page upper left corner of the Lexington Herald-Leader (11 September) in large boldface letters is this caption: Brooks Bemoans Cats' Practices. Wow! The definition of "bemoan" is: "to express deep grief or distress over; to regard with displeasure, disapproval, or regret." So…the UK football coach is currently in a period of mourning and distress, displeased with his team and regrets something, maybe ever coming to Lexington, Ky., in the first place. He is considered so distraught by the folks at the newspaper that his predicament deserves front-page notice.

The big headline remarking the coach's discomfiture is on the front page of the Sports Section, to wit, RICH ON A RAMPAGE. The definition of "rampage" is: "a course of violent, riotous, or reckless action or behavior." So…according to the newspaper folks (at least those who write headlines), Coach Brooks is behaving rather peculiarly these days, perhaps even criminally – riots are serious business – and makes one wonder if perhaps he will soon be institutionalized either in jail or some type of rehab facility or maybe just be required to attend sensitivity-training classes, the university being understanding when emotional upheavals occur within its faculty, staff, student body and even the athletic department, perhaps because six- and seven-figure salaries simply make it hard for coaches' families to get by.

The paper's picture of the coach exhibiting his rampage is a sight to behold. With a clenched fist he is obviously engaging in a full-wide-mouth snarl guaranteed to scare even 20-something linebackers, let alone college freshmen and small children. Pictures of two of Brooks' coaches are also displayed, both with expressions that do indeed appear mournful, even pathetic. One is quoted as saying, "All you hear is my voice screaming. I'm tired of screaming." Well, what part of his anatomy other than his voice could be used for "screaming," in the first place? Has anyone ever heard an ear or a nose scream? And if he's tired of screaming, why doesn't he just stop? That seems SO simple.

Well, it seems that the three coaches, whose combined salaries are calculated in the millions, not to mention the multitude of other overpaid coaches, were just unhappy with the way their young charges were practicing and either spilled their guts to a sportswriter or were simply overheard by him, not thinking that their words would constitute front-page coverage. Actually, the former option would seem to be the best bet – loose talk and publicity – though one may draw his own conclusions. Frankly, one wonders if that screaming could possibly compare with the infamous scream by Democrat National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, when he lost Iowa and consequently went on a well-televised rampage in 2004 while stumping for the presidency.

Coach Brooks can have his moments of sensitivity, however. Just a few days ago, he went on the record as not appreciating one bit the fact that a player had been (gasp) booed by the spectators during a game, ostensibly – and mistakenly, of course – for not playing too well. The fans, who had paid outrageous prices for the privilege of both watching the action and reacting, were over the top, according to the coach, never mind that he and nearly all other coaches rant and rave at their players as a routine matter during a game. In fact, some of the ranting is more entertaining than the game.

Coach Brooks said, "We're not getting a lot of leadership in practice, and that is very, very disturbing … I'm not very happy." One wonders who is supposed to provide leadership, if not all the coaches he has standing around…or screaming. He also said, "When you're not very good, you have to work hard to get better." Ah…now one can see the problem. Brooks doesn't think much of his team's performances up to this point, so naturally he's entitled to bemoan, go on a rampage or even bend over and just eat grass, which would certainly be evidence of some sort of rampaging. After all, what's an unhappy coach to do?

Also on the front-page of the Sports Section is an article about Vince Young, quarterback of the NFL Titans from Nashville, who, it seems, had also become unhappy over some booing concerning his play. Indeed, it seems that the coach had enlisted the police to help find Young and check on his emotional well-being, though the matter was also termed a misunderstanding blown out of proportion by the media. Young agreed to a five-year deal in 2006, with an option for a sixth, with $25.7 million guaranteed and an overall value that could reach $58 million with option and roster bonuses and salary. Now…that's enough to make anyone cry – right? Most folks would gladly accept a humongous afternoon of booing for let's just say…a couple sawbucks plus change?

Brooks and his coaches deal with full-scholarship, free-ride youngsters the same age as tens of thousands of other guys facing life-or-death situations every day halfway around the world. If he wants his players to see what it takes to be a man and show leadership, before practice every day he might show them a clip of a soldier's routine day/night in Afghanistan or Iraq. And then – if he wants to show some leadership himself – he might just stop the whining to the press and get on with it.

This is not to denigrate sports, a great American institution. It is to point out that when athletes and coaches get to the point that they think they're the greatest thing since cheerleaders…they need help.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Woodward Strikes Again

Washington Post Associate Editor Bob Woodward was interviewed by CBS Sixty-Minutes reporter Scott Pelley the other evening concerning Woodward's claim of a split between President Bush and his generals – at least the biggies at the Pentagon – about the troop-surge that began in January 2007. Not coincidentally, Woodward's latest book (his fourth, The War Within) about the Bush administration is coming out also not coincidentally at this particular juncture of the quadrennial election circus while Obama and Biden are trying desperately to join McCain hip-to-thigh with Bush. The book is published by CBS-owned Simon & Schuster, and Bush has no more venomous enemy than CBS…so, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

One never knows about Woodward with respect to what's true and false, especially considering his claim that he actually visited former CIA chief William Casey virtually during Casey's last hours. Those around Casey at the time claimed this meeting never happened, and the inclination is that Woodward made it up. Also, all the stuff about "Deep Throat" vis-à-vis the Watergate thing might have never actually happened, either, notwithstanding the "appearance" of the alleged "Deep Throat," who was to remain nameless until after his death, when Woodward, Bernstein, and Post onetime head honcho Bradley would tell all. After the Janet Baker scam at the paper some years ago, anything could be possible.

Doubtlessly, Woodward, apparently like many other Washington insiders, has/had his sources for this new book, at least allegedly. This is from the interview: "'You've obtained a number of documents, classified secret that the president was receiving in this period of time. What was the president hearing about what was going on in Iraq?' Pelley asked." Woodward did not say, "No," and then went on to tell about a "top secret special compartmented information report." Neither Woodward nor any other reporter should have access to secret information, so the reader of the book is invited to exercise his judgment about Woodward's veracity. If he did gain access to such information, both he and the provider should be brought up on some sort of charge.

Without question, every official in Washington, especially the president, has enemies, so it's conceivable that one such could have spilled his tortured guts to Woodward out of nothing more than spite, especially if he has lost a position or failed to gain one he coveted or been proven wrong in a decision. It's ominous that secret information could be disseminated so cavalierly, but actually not surprising, given the egos that inhabit Washington, and few egos, if any, could be larger than that of many generals.

The main thrust of the interview was not that the surge is working. Indeed, it was admitted that the plan has worked, as well as the plan that recently culminated in the turning over of the security of Anbar Province to the Iraqi police force. The main thrust, not surprisingly, was that President Bush has lied, since he has always insisted that he depended on the information from his generals for carrying out troop commitments and strategies. The point Woodward makes is that President Bush's "troop surge" plan came directly from the White House, no thanks to the Pentagon and all the generals who work there. In fact, according to Woodward, they hated the idea.

Woodward also noted that Bush acted upon the advice of General David Petraeus with respect to strategy and "cleaned house" with respect to commanders. In doing this, Woodward obviously contradicted the notion that Bush was lying about listening to his generals. Bush was still listening to his generals, but to a new set of generals who had new ideas about how to win in Iraq. In this area, McCain profits by his association with the surge, since he had been demanding that more troops be sent to Iraq and that losing would be very perfidy. Significantly, Obama finds it almost impossible to admit that things are much better, leaving the impression that to cut and run would not be all that bad.

From the interview: "But beyond all of that, Woodward reports, for the first time, that there is a secret behind the success of the surge: a sophisticated and lethal special operations program. … 'Yeah,' Woodward said. 'If you were an al Qaeda leader or part of the insurgency in Iraq, or one of these renegade militias, and you knew about what they were able to do, you'd get your ass outta town'."

Woodward made it plain that he knew the details of this secret weapon but would not divulge anything since to do so would compromise the operation, which seems to be a highly sophisticated surveillance and assassination tool. Pelley seemed to think he should, anyway. Egad! Woodward claimed it was as much a landmark advancement as the role of the tank and airplane in other wars. One can be greatly encouraged if he's right, but one also wonders if he feels safe in making it known that he has the answers. How would he feel if he were kidnapped and made to undergo water-boarding…like spilling the beans, for instance?

Hopefully, Woodward is not Dan Rather all over again. Time will tell.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

Thursday, September 04, 2008

DNC Memorandum #34

From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair-spout (Save the whales!)

***Senator Obama remains displeased with the white-, black-, and any-shade-in-between-papers (diversity-configured, including red, brown and yellow, in recognition of the party's non-racist configuration) concerning a proper description of the "typical Muslim." Michigan, home of multitudes of Muslims, is vital in November but the senator has excused himself from identifying the typical Muslim since he was partly raised as one and thus would appear as self-serving. The anonymous paper noting that the typical Muslim can be found in the midst of bloody body parts while reading the Koran has been flushed and the writer, when apprehended, will be assigned to Senator Durbin's Pol Pot Project for reeducation, known as the "Killing Field Protocol."

***Senator McCain's choice of Alaska Governor Palin to be veep has been so thoroughly disquieting as to require a special committee staff to make all appropriate haste in not only totally nullifying her influence but also totally scandalizing her in the interest of comparing democratic purity to her republican down-and-dirty politics in cleaning up corruption in Alaska. Any suggestions will be welcome, but absolutely no reference to either Clinton will be entertained for obvious reasons. Much is to be made of the fact that Palin's husband, when he was 22 (22 years ago), was arrested for DUI. This, alone, should knock Palin for a loop since anyone that old should know better, whether she knew him then or not. In this regard, do NOT mention Congressman Kennedy, who apparently tried to drive his car up the Capitol steps on a recent night. More importantly, do NOT – repeat – do NOT mention that Senator Obama admitted to using hard drugs at about that time. Also, be certain not to mention that a woman with five children is not up to the task. Speaker Pelosi, also with five children and a gaggle of grandchildren, has been in politics practically forever, not to mention that Geraldine Ferarro already had three while on her way to the veep nomination in 1984.

***Senator Obama is also requesting a you-know-what-type paper (if not, see above) on the "typical Pentecostal." This is due to the fact that Palin belongs to that church, thus his need to get out front in appealing to that crowd before she attempts some sort of evangelistic revival and grabs all Pentecostal democrats and (gasp, for emphasis) the democrat Baptists (millions of the poor dumb souls/voters), as well. Feel free to scandalize Palin over the unwed pregnancy of her 17-year-old, perhaps painting the governor as not living up to the standards of Pentecostalism, assuming that Pentecostals take a dim view of fornication, but be careful not to mention that the girl should have been handcuffed to the bedpost. Unfortunately, she is not having an abortion, since that would have made things so much easier, but do your best. The senator again has expressed appreciation for the document provided by the DNC that describes the "typical white person" but has reemphasized that no mention is to made of his grandmother in Hawaii, his grandmother in Africa or his step-mothers anywhere. He has also said that he never claimed that his father was not a bigamist and that he won't ever claim that again.

***The DNC secret plan to sabotage the teleprompters during the speeches of Huckaby, Giuliani, and Palin on Wednesday evening at the repub clambake was carried out, at least with respect to the latter two. Huckaby is so glib and quick on his tongue that we don't know whether or not his teleprompter backfired, since he never missed a beat and had the crowd in his palm. Unfortunately, Giuliani and Palin just let the applause roll during the glitches and actually did better than if they had had to depend on the machines. Apologies all around for this, and the staffer who made that suggestion in the first place has been assigned to canvass for votes in the newly flooded section of the Ninth Ward in New Orleans.

***The National Enquirer has come up with a photo of Governor Palin in a bikini, but everyone is reminded not to exploit the fact that she's in a bikini, since the current ethos of the Democrat Party women is "the more shown the better" (also true for republican mothers), as exemplified in how their high-school daughters dress for class. However, it is quite alright to criticize the governor for being too chubby for a bikini, thus exercising poor judgment in wearing one. This lack of judgment consequently renders her incapable of handling that 3:00 a.m. phone call made famous by Senator Clinton. Feel free to imply that Senator McCain would be too deaf to hear the phone, in the first place, and too arthritically indisposed by legs broken in Vietnam to hit the ground running.

***There has been snickering reported around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger, non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, and snail-darter obituary-list area about Senator Obama writing another autobiography, since it's been at least two years since the last one and even longer, of course, since the one before that. This is no laughing matter since the senator's celebrity and notoriety have been noticed throughout the world, the evidence in Berlin being overwhelming. It's even been rumored that the French like him almost as much as they adore John Kerry. Unfortunately (for recent graduates of public schools), the Germans and Frenchies can't vote. It's only reasonable that the candidate bring his virtually sacred life (although any allusion to "Obamessiah" will be punishable by the perpetrator being assigned to the hills of eastern Kentucky, where a knock on the door is considered trespassing and first-graders can shoot a squirrel at 100 yards) up-to-date. He IS looking for a bright staffer to write another autobiography, since he lacks the time to write it himself. NOTE: Technically, it would be a biography, but those with the essence of greatness have the right to call it an autobiography…or anything else they desire, so forget any credit being given to you.

***Michael Moore is planning a new movie – actually a quickie quasi-documentary – tentatively entitled Alaskan Amazon Amok and will feature an evil female governor bashing baby seals in the head, drilling for oil through grizzly-bear hibernation caves, frog-gigging and rabbit-hunting with a 5,000-watt spotlight, and seeding catfish ponds with bales of hay. In the mix is a plot to blow up Alaskan democrat headquarters and the Rev Dr. Jeremiah Wright's new mansion in Chicago. It sounds like a cinch for Oscars, so stay tuned.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

LONG KNIVES Fillet Palin

Get ready…the LONG KNIVES are already out as the mainstream media, otherwise known as the Obama propaganda-arm, prepare to fillet Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, Senator McCain's veep choice. The dems put on quite a show last week in Denver – everything from Stevie Wonder to a gaggle of retired generals, with one of them doing the usual hatchet job on George Bush. Among them was onetime prexy hopeful Wesley Clark, whose last credential as NATO head-honcho was his being jerked out of the Kosovo matter before he started World War III.

Time now for the republicans…and everyone is invited to gasp four times and have three palpitations of the liver in order to face this McCain/Palin calamity – Palin's 17-year-old daughter is PREGNANT without benefit of marriage, just a boyfriend. Hoo-hah! The girls from the National Organization of Women are scandalized out of their gourds…to think that Palin is four-square in favor of (another gasp is invited) ABSTINENCE before marriage and even promulgates that old-fashioned idea as THE way to teach the subject of sex in the public schools.

Strangely, she insists that abstinence absolutely guarantees against pregnancy…but then, so do the scientists/biologists (not to mention parents), who reportedly know about these things. So…Palin uses common sense, like the experts. Why should she, mimicking the liberals, think that hormones should rule, disposing toward all the problems besides pregnancy such as the STDs that girls in middle school are being vaccinated against now? The pregnancy is unfortunate, but 30% of all white births and 70% of all black births are to single mothers, so what else is new?

Back in July, it was reported on (what else) – the liberal-revered Huffington Post – that Michelle Obama made it plain in some sort of "roundtable" conflab that Barack Obama's mother was SINGLE when the candidate was born. So…does it naturally follow that if a veep candidate's expectant-single-daughter disqualifies Palin from running for the second spot the candidate for the top spot is doubly disqualified…or something like that…for the same reason? Word has been put out otherwise that Obama's parents were married in February 1961 and he was born in August 1961…h-m-m-m…and that the parents divorced in 1963. Actually, no one seems to have come up with a marriage certificate, birth certificate, or divorce papers. So…only the Shadow knows…as well as Obama's grandmother in Hawaii, and apparently she ain't said. Maybe former CBS-fraud Dan Rather can come up with the documents.

It gets better. From the NOW Web-site currently: "NOW PAC Chair Kim Gandy said, 'Sen. John McCain's choice of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate is a cynical effort to appeal to disappointed Hillary Clinton voters and get them to vote, ultimately, against their own self-interest.'" Oh…really! In other words, this NOW gal says that other gals are so dumb that they would vote for that dragon – McCain – just to spite Obama for throwing Hillary under the bus, and throw their weight around even if to do so means they cut off their own collective noses to spite their own collective faces. That's about as juicy as John Kerry's statement that the guys who can't make it in high school wind up in Iraq.

But what's transpired so far is nothing compared to the honing of the LONG KNIVES as they contemplate and salivate vis-à-vis Palin's guru/pastor and – one more gigantic gasp with a drum-roll – her church…PENTECOSTAL! Oh…mercy…blessings on the nation are desperately needed – a fire-and-brimstone PENTECOSTAL as vice president? Can anyone hear a resounding AMEN…or a collective Protestant/Catholic/Jewish plea for Divine unction against such a possibility…or even a funereal dirge?

Shades of the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, whose anti-American outbursts finally forced Obama to throw him under the bus, only to be thoroughly pummeled by the reverend before – gigantic gasp in order again – the Press Club in D.C., the very mainstreamers upon whom Obama depends for free exposure and politics-mongering? Of course not…nothing like that kind of hateful stuff! The Pentecostal approach by Palin's pastor, Ed Kalnins, is on the other end of the spectrum…he seems to think well of the USA.

This, from the Huffington Post: "The church runs a number of ministries providing help to poor neighborhoods, care for children in need, and general community services. But Pastor Kalnins has also preached that critics of President Bush will be banished to hell; questioned whether people who voted for Sen. John Kerry in 2004 would be accepted to heaven; charged that the 9/11 terrorist attacks and war in Iraq were part of a war 'contending for your faith;' and said that Jesus 'operated from that position of war mode.'" That may or may not be true, but it's bound to set the liberal pundits' teeth on edge as they sharpen their swords.

By the way, at the Last Supper, just before the crucifixion, Jesus told his disciples to secure swords even if they had to sell clothing to do so, not to defend him but to defend themselves. Liberals don't like that kind of talk, but Palin and her pastor understand…and so do bin Laden and Ahmadinejad.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark