Thursday, September 04, 2008

DNC Memorandum #34

From the office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair-spout (Save the whales!)

***Senator Obama remains displeased with the white-, black-, and any-shade-in-between-papers (diversity-configured, including red, brown and yellow, in recognition of the party's non-racist configuration) concerning a proper description of the "typical Muslim." Michigan, home of multitudes of Muslims, is vital in November but the senator has excused himself from identifying the typical Muslim since he was partly raised as one and thus would appear as self-serving. The anonymous paper noting that the typical Muslim can be found in the midst of bloody body parts while reading the Koran has been flushed and the writer, when apprehended, will be assigned to Senator Durbin's Pol Pot Project for reeducation, known as the "Killing Field Protocol."

***Senator McCain's choice of Alaska Governor Palin to be veep has been so thoroughly disquieting as to require a special committee staff to make all appropriate haste in not only totally nullifying her influence but also totally scandalizing her in the interest of comparing democratic purity to her republican down-and-dirty politics in cleaning up corruption in Alaska. Any suggestions will be welcome, but absolutely no reference to either Clinton will be entertained for obvious reasons. Much is to be made of the fact that Palin's husband, when he was 22 (22 years ago), was arrested for DUI. This, alone, should knock Palin for a loop since anyone that old should know better, whether she knew him then or not. In this regard, do NOT mention Congressman Kennedy, who apparently tried to drive his car up the Capitol steps on a recent night. More importantly, do NOT – repeat – do NOT mention that Senator Obama admitted to using hard drugs at about that time. Also, be certain not to mention that a woman with five children is not up to the task. Speaker Pelosi, also with five children and a gaggle of grandchildren, has been in politics practically forever, not to mention that Geraldine Ferarro already had three while on her way to the veep nomination in 1984.

***Senator Obama is also requesting a you-know-what-type paper (if not, see above) on the "typical Pentecostal." This is due to the fact that Palin belongs to that church, thus his need to get out front in appealing to that crowd before she attempts some sort of evangelistic revival and grabs all Pentecostal democrats and (gasp, for emphasis) the democrat Baptists (millions of the poor dumb souls/voters), as well. Feel free to scandalize Palin over the unwed pregnancy of her 17-year-old, perhaps painting the governor as not living up to the standards of Pentecostalism, assuming that Pentecostals take a dim view of fornication, but be careful not to mention that the girl should have been handcuffed to the bedpost. Unfortunately, she is not having an abortion, since that would have made things so much easier, but do your best. The senator again has expressed appreciation for the document provided by the DNC that describes the "typical white person" but has reemphasized that no mention is to made of his grandmother in Hawaii, his grandmother in Africa or his step-mothers anywhere. He has also said that he never claimed that his father was not a bigamist and that he won't ever claim that again.

***The DNC secret plan to sabotage the teleprompters during the speeches of Huckaby, Giuliani, and Palin on Wednesday evening at the repub clambake was carried out, at least with respect to the latter two. Huckaby is so glib and quick on his tongue that we don't know whether or not his teleprompter backfired, since he never missed a beat and had the crowd in his palm. Unfortunately, Giuliani and Palin just let the applause roll during the glitches and actually did better than if they had had to depend on the machines. Apologies all around for this, and the staffer who made that suggestion in the first place has been assigned to canvass for votes in the newly flooded section of the Ninth Ward in New Orleans.

***The National Enquirer has come up with a photo of Governor Palin in a bikini, but everyone is reminded not to exploit the fact that she's in a bikini, since the current ethos of the Democrat Party women is "the more shown the better" (also true for republican mothers), as exemplified in how their high-school daughters dress for class. However, it is quite alright to criticize the governor for being too chubby for a bikini, thus exercising poor judgment in wearing one. This lack of judgment consequently renders her incapable of handling that 3:00 a.m. phone call made famous by Senator Clinton. Feel free to imply that Senator McCain would be too deaf to hear the phone, in the first place, and too arthritically indisposed by legs broken in Vietnam to hit the ground running.

***There has been snickering reported around the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger, non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, and snail-darter obituary-list area about Senator Obama writing another autobiography, since it's been at least two years since the last one and even longer, of course, since the one before that. This is no laughing matter since the senator's celebrity and notoriety have been noticed throughout the world, the evidence in Berlin being overwhelming. It's even been rumored that the French like him almost as much as they adore John Kerry. Unfortunately (for recent graduates of public schools), the Germans and Frenchies can't vote. It's only reasonable that the candidate bring his virtually sacred life (although any allusion to "Obamessiah" will be punishable by the perpetrator being assigned to the hills of eastern Kentucky, where a knock on the door is considered trespassing and first-graders can shoot a squirrel at 100 yards) up-to-date. He IS looking for a bright staffer to write another autobiography, since he lacks the time to write it himself. NOTE: Technically, it would be a biography, but those with the essence of greatness have the right to call it an autobiography…or anything else they desire, so forget any credit being given to you.

***Michael Moore is planning a new movie – actually a quickie quasi-documentary – tentatively entitled Alaskan Amazon Amok and will feature an evil female governor bashing baby seals in the head, drilling for oil through grizzly-bear hibernation caves, frog-gigging and rabbit-hunting with a 5,000-watt spotlight, and seeding catfish ponds with bales of hay. In the mix is a plot to blow up Alaskan democrat headquarters and the Rev Dr. Jeremiah Wright's new mansion in Chicago. It sounds like a cinch for Oscars, so stay tuned.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

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