Sunday, June 05, 2005

Boy Columnist Strikes Again

There’s an institution in Lexington known as the Headquarters for Enabling Riotous And Laughable Demagoguery (known for short by its acronym, HERALD). The people who work there experiment with far-out evils such as political patronage, pseudo-meritocracy, and (gasp) republicans. The department in which they work at HERALD is known as the Laboratory for Excitement And Delirium Energizing Reporting (known for short, of course, by its acronym, LEADER). The two departments are often combined in just the term HERALD-LEADER, italicized because it is sometimes called a newspaper.

HERALD-LEADER is controlled by a consortium/methodology operating under a theory known as Kinetic Energy Enervating Legitimate Intelligence in News-mongering Government (known for short by its acronym, KEELING), notwithstanding the fact that the theory is the mother of all oxymorons, since energy used to enervate amounts to the same as beating one’s head against the wall in order to pound intelligence into it (the head, that is), whether for news-mongering or anything else. The resident writer of articles for the op-ed page at the HERALD-LEADER is Boy Columnist (BC), who is actually known, coincidentally, by his nickname, Keeling.

Boy Columnist always refers to the state’s leading executive as Boy Governor (BG), and describes him as a non-factotum heading an administration referred to by BC as the Kiddie Korps (KK). BC, in turn, is part of the editorial consortium at the HERALD-LEADER known as the Giddy Gang (GG). Since this section of the paper is and has been run for a long time by ladies, some wags chauvinistically call this group the Girlie Gaggle, but no one who is politically correct and in his right mind would stoop to such a thing, except that maybe California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar might do so. The HERALD-LEADER’s publisher is male and the op-ed elitist columnist is male, so it’s only fair that the op-ed department belong to distaff staff.

Boy Columnist is a politically sensitive writer who is known for his ability to spot shady shenanigans, especially those having to do with merit-system abuse in government. He gained his nose for noticing nattering nabobs nominating non-entitlementists (okay, not a word, but get the picture) to jobs by simply observing democrats do this evil thing to republicans and especially to each other over a long period. Thus, he has launched a vicious campaign against BG and KK in behalf of BC and GG, not to mention the publisher, using the good auspices of the HERALD-LEADER to focus attention on alleged republican illegalities in hiring republicans instead of democrats and maybe a couple or three Green Peaceniks and Nader’s Raiders. Unfortunately, he has used the theory of KEELING in the process, and politically astute commentators have snickered in print and over the airwaves. Some have wondered at his mental state, since he admitted in a column of June 5 to being at one time possibly befuddled and confounded by his inhaling (accidental or otherwise) of lawnmower exhaust fumes. Since his lawn must be mowed regularly in Lexington, there may be something to the notion of Post-Traumatic-Lawnmower-Syndrome. If so, more’s the pity.

Another example in the HERALD-LEADER of PTLS/KEELING-think appeared in the editorial of June 5. The writer made much of the fact that 12.7% of Kentucky families existed below the poverty level in 2000. At that time only democrat administrations had ruled the state for some 30 years. However, in 2003 the number living below the poverty level was 14.3%, a decline of another 13% in just three more years of a democrat administration. Since the HERALD-LEADER is a virtual propaganda machine for the democrats, this little-known fact was not mentioned, but the editorialist(s), using KEELING-think apparently, figured no one would notice this further failure.

Likewise, the editorialist(s) mentioned that in 2000 there was a graduate rate of only 74.1% or higher (whatever that means) among resident hillbillies. In 2002, the public high school graduation rate was 64.9%, which…yeah, KEELING-think again. If that means anything, it mostly means the pork-barrel Kentucky Education Reform Act of 1990, passed by a democratic legislature and signed by a democratic governor, is a total bust, notwithstanding that much, if not most, of the Act has been rescinded. Only 1.33 generations of students have been harmed, but at the current rate – unless the school-based councils are disbanded – more disaster will be on line by the target year of perfection, 2015, when every student is supposed to be an “A” student with unrelentingly high self-esteem.

Using the Headquarters for Enabling Riotous And Laughable Demagoguery and the Laboratory for Excitement And Delirium Energizing Reporting, BC and GG are protecting the public from republican evils perpetrated by BG and KK, so no one should have trouble sleeping at night. It is to be hoped that BC will perform a similar act of public protection by warning lawnmower users to be careful…maybe even go electric or hand-scythe.

And so it goes

Jim Clark

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