From the Office of Dr. Howard Dean, chair, Democratic National Committee
*** It has come to the attention of the DNC staff that some volunteers are expressing exuberance over the death of al-Zarqawi. Depending on location (certainly not Massachusetts or California), this may be permissible publicly, but please be advised that Zarqawi’s death comprises a setback for the party, since there are among the uneducated and the unwashed (almost everybody in the nation) the presumption that his death has been accomplished by the republican administration. It has, of course (but do not admit this), and so staffers are directed to immediately change the subject when Zarqawi or even bin Laden are mentioned. Bin Laden has been thoroughly marginalized, so there is little capital to be gained by mentioning, as our media colleagues did immediately upon news of Zarqawi’s unfortunate bombing, that ObL is STILL alive and threatens the entire world from his cave in the mountains.
*** Congressman Murtha is being approached in the interest of writing a White Paper explaining in detail that American GIs are committing atrocities in Iraq at the rate of some ten or twelve a day. When you receive this document, read it carefully and be ready to defend it when you use it in your town-meetings if someone asks for specifics. As yet, there are only a couple of instances or so where an atrocity has been proven, but, unfortunately, the offending GI(s) have been punished, leaving no viable position based on government laxity. Since specifics have already been noted in the media, simply mention “Abu Ghraib” and steer the discussion in that direction, but do not mention that no one was hurt at that location. As for the scenes at Abu Ghraib, much lewder depictions are seen regularly on TV sitcoms and soap operas in this country, not to mention the Internet, so just talk about emotional distress…without mentioning that the prisoners at Abu Ghraib were murderers of women and children, of course. Senator Kerry may agree to help Congressman Murtha, since he is on the record (Meet the Press) as claiming that Americans have been raiding Iraqi homes in the midnight hours and making nuisances of themselves. If anyone mentions Kerry’s 1968 Christmas in Cambodia, make it clear that the senator insists he never said he was there and that he won’t say it again.
*** The hanging of themselves by three prisoners at Guantanamo is the juiciest bit of campaign bubbly that has dribbled (little joke there) into the country’s awareness in months. Make it a point to indicate in town-meetings that these men were driven to despair by the American hoodlums who guarded them, but obviously not well enough to protect them from themselves. Do NOT mention that these decedents were killers of women and children. Senator Durbin is being approached for another White Paper to be used in town-meetings, one that will explain the senator’s comparison of American GIs with Stalin’s Gulag guards, Hitler’s Storm Troopers, and Pol Pot’s keepers of the killing fields. Incidentally, it may be well to conduct town-meetings exclusively in the appropriate places rather than in homes or, especially, in bars, the latter always the venue of choice. People too far into their cups often slur their speech and some even say nice things about the republicans. This is particularly problematic when these meetings are televised.
*** Please be advised that Senator Clinton has requested that staffers never attempt to identify her positions on any issues. Her stances are always contingent upon location/audience, not a very different circumstance from that of most office-holders, with the possible exception of President Bush, who is likely to blurt out the truth no matter where he is. Also, Senator Biden, an announced candidate for 2008, has made it clear in a private communication that he takes positions on the basis of the “poll du jour” (a little French there for the Canadians), since he insists that a president must define leadership by follow-ship, i.e., find out what the people think and then do it. So far, his polls have indicated the need for a 90% tax increase when he is elected, but that would be unpopular, as he stated in his communication, so he has asked the DNC to take a low-profile approach to his candidacy until he has figured out how to successfully crunch the numbers.
*** Please refrain from gloating with regard to Republican Congressman Cunninghams’s trip to the Big House. This approach worked well until Congresswoman McKinney attacked that policeman, Congressman Kennedy tried to drive into the House chamber at 3:30 a.m., and Congressman William Jefferson was filmed in the parking garage accepting all that money, later found in his freezer among the frozen chicken nuggets. Also, try to destroy all the pictures of those National Guard trucks stuck in Congressman Jefferson’s front yard while he threw stuff into them from a second-story window of his house, after Katrina hit New Orleans. Those trucks were supposed to be used to help the citizens get out of New Orleans, or deliver water or whatever. In any case, the congressman has said he didn’t use those trucks and won’t use them again. In connection with the Jefferson matter, Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has refused to make a poster showing her with her foot in her mouth while trying to say “No one is above the law.” She will, however, retract her statements about the FBI having no right to search a congressman’s office, especially if he shows signs of having either hundred-dollar-bills or chicken nuggets melting in his back pocket.
*** State Secretary Condoleezza Rice is a scheduled speaker at the annual clambake of the Southern Baptist Convention this week in Greensboro, N.C. She will be speaking in a church, so this should give staffers an opportunity to make huge political capital about the “religious right” and how these people threaten the very core of the Constitution. These Baptists number about 16 million and forge a huge voting bloc, therefore, much should made of this fact, especially at the time the president has just insisted once again that marriage should be a man-woman thing, thus depriving all the homosexuals, lesbians, transgenderites, transsexuals, cross-dressers, incest-practitioners, and pederasts their rights, either actual or desired…the right to the “pursuit of happiness” thing. The secretary has insisted that she is not a candidate for 2008, but use your own judgment as to how to play this, depending upon your location. Do NOT – repeat – DO NOT mention Kerry, Gore, Clinton, Jackson, Edwards, Lieberman, Sharpton, and other democrats in connection with this, since they campaigned vigorously in African-American churches and have never accounted for the offerings/contributions/collections/honoraria/whatever made available at those times.
*** Important Note: Impeachment planning underway, with Ramsey Clark (on loan from Saddam) as lead attorney.
And so it goes.