From the Office of Dr. Howard Dean, Chair DNC
 A word of explanation about my recent remark that Katherine Harris is not Stalin and that this is not Russia. Even the mainstream media, unthinkingly, of course, notwithstanding that its members are the DNC’s greatest propaganda agency and as such should be more circumspect, made my statement sound as if I was comparing Ms. Harris to Stalin when, actually, I said she was not Stalin. I was simply referring to her stealing of the Florida election in 2000, when she acted – as Senator Durbin might say – as the keeper of that benighted gulag run by – as Senator Durbin might say – that storm trooper, Jeb Bush, as an outright executioner of the man who invented the Internet and would, if elected, by now have had all the smokestacks in even China shut down for good and cars running on recycled hot air from the Congress. The wag who left a note on my door congratulating me for knowing that this is not Russia will be banished to Iowa. In any case, I didn’t compare Harris to Stalin, and I won’t do it again.
 The current conflict between Israel and Hezbollah is turning out to be our “Katrina” for this summer. The media cooperated in showing all those sweaty American citizens caught in Beirut for hours longer than they should have been, and Dan Rather has been contracted to explain how this was a snafu by FEMA of even more significant proportions than that of New Orleans. He may play the race card in reverse, however, according to his explanation of preliminary plans, in which case he will find documentation somewhere showing how quickly this country acted in Beirut, citing most of the vacationers as “white folk,” the inference being clear. It’s too bad that at least a couple of Americans weren’t – if not killed – at least burned in the “lawsuit area” when had hot coffee spilled in their laps as the bombs went off. The TV people haven’t been quite as hyped-up and frenetic (think Geraldo and Shepherd Smith and all the NBC, ABC, CBS folks) as they were in New Orleans, even without any bombs going off, and Rather has made it plain that this means that blacks were treated much worse in New Orleans than whites in Beirut since TV people have that sixth sense clued into sensitivity…or something like that.
 Senator Kerry has just proposed in what will be hailed as a landmark speech in Boston a requirement that all Americans have health insurance by 2012, with the federal government guaranteeing that they have the means to afford it. This, of course, is the mark of a compassionate man wrongly judged by the voters in Ohio in 2004. While this is a worthy approach to a real American problem – people inconveniently getting sick, as they have for centuries in their thoughtlessness – it must be handled carefully, depending on where you’re operating. In Massachusetts, go for it – the whole welfare-state bit. In the South, change the subject, especially if some tobacco-chewing redneck smelling of Redman Snuff asks whether or not this might put the nation into bankruptcy. The best move to make is to mention NASCAR or start an argument on who makes the best pickup. If you’re in California, go with the flow, since the people out there are busy being too hot this summer and don’t give a fig about anything else.
 ABC-TV ran a juicy bit on its evening news with Charles Gibson on Tuesday that can be turned into a spin goldmine. It had to do with tapes allegedly showing confusion by the Air Force on 9/11, as if the USAF had ever been faced with anything like a bunch of Islamic idiots taking the quick way to Paradise. However, the president can be blamed for the Air Force’s failure to shoot down those four hijacked planes, according to Dan Rather, Michael Moore, and the Right Reverend Honorable Righteous Louis Farrakhan, who claims he has proof as solid as he had about the government blowing the Pontchartrain levee in order to drown black folk when Katrina hit. He says there were at least three African-American Muslims on one of those planes – but the president didn’t know which one – and African Americans in all those buildings. The 9/11 Commission chairman, Thomas Kean, was shown remarking that the only plane that didn’t hit its target was the one the passengers brought down. The obvious conclusion is that the government, meaning Bush, caused the deaths of 3,000 people. Hammer on this everywhere in the country.
 There will be money available for transportation and food for anyone wanting to set up camp on Cindy Sheehan’s new spread near the president’s ranch in Crawford and heckle/taunt the president while he’s on vacation soon, as well as burn him in effigy occasionally, and otherwise show the rest of the world how much this country hates its own president. The ladies from NOW will also participate and plan bra-burnings daily to show empathy for German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who was attacked on the shoulders by Bush at the G-8 summit. This showed his chauvinism, disrespect for foreign citizens, callous disregard for couth, and will be part of the impeachment plan now being developed by the democrats on the House Judicial Committee to put into place in January. This points up the need to take back the House in November, so everyone is urged to work harder than ever. Be sure to prepare well for the hot weather in Texas since you will be sleeping out under the stars, cooking over campfires, and otherwise roughing it. Take plenty of digestion aids, since Ms. Sheehan plans to speak 14 times a day and is demanding that everyone who stakes out a claim eat Middle East food five times every day, preferably while facing toward Mecca (east)…so there will be much gas from different directions. All the media people will be on the scene 24/7, so plan demonstrations to be observed around the clock. The Larry King Live show will originate there twice, and it is rumored that he will interview Mel Gibson about his anti-Semitism. It’s rumored that Gibson might be a republican, at least when he’s sober, so use that fact to connect him to the administration.
 Senators Kerry, Biden, Hagel, Clinton, Feingold, Obama, and former senator Edwards are all looking toward the 2008 campaign, as well as former vice president Al Gore. It is rumored that Congressman Jefferson may also be interested if he can just return the $90,000 from his freezer and call it even with the FBI. At last report, he was also offering to throw in 100 frozen pizzas and partridges from 10 pear trees. This is a large field, so it may be necessary to settle on an outsider vis-à-vis Washington, as well as someone who is medically aware at this particular time, when Bird Flu is threatening. Do not – REPEAT – do NOT campaign for any candidate. It is far too early for that, and Bird Flu may be just around the corner.
And so it goes.