From the Office in Transit of Dr. Howard Dean, DNC chair
***A thousand apologies for missing the regular memo-schedule in December. Some have suggested that the heavy snowfalls that negated travel arrangements for this office are to blame. This is not true and reflects poorly on the importance of the Iowa caucuses, whose participants are known for motives as pure as the driven snow. Those staffers who are rumored to have credited the faith of Republican Reverend Huckabee for this weather-sign of righteousness vis-à-vis his winning campaign will face the DNC Ethics Committee as soon as one is formed. It is to be noted in every meeting – repeat, every meeting – that Huckabee is a Southern Baptist and therefore considered to be the Anti-Christ or the False Prophet (book of Revelation) by Jimmy Carter, known theologically as a Sane Baptist, who will expose Huckabee at the New Baptist Covenant Celebration in Atlanta later this month, at which time he, Bill Clinton, and Al Gore will make presentations regarding the final days of the Republican Congress, 2005 until now, and compare it biblically and eschatologically to the Great Tribulation. Note: Until Huckabee announced, Carter had considered President Bush as the Anti-Christ and Karl Rove as the False Prophet, but has recently proclaimed that all bets are off on that matter, since he had a new revelation while on the road to Plains when he was blinded by a mysterious light, though some have claimed it was just a pair of headlights on a Chinese-made car that had lead in their filaments.
***It has come to my attention that some staffers have snickered concerning Senator Clinton’s teary eyes in that women’s gathering just before the New Hampshire vote. While it’s true that Senator Muskie did appear to weep during a campaign speech on a flat-bed truck in front of a newspaper office on a snowy day in Manchester in 1972 and then went on to win the New Hampshire primary, Senator Clinton has insisted that her tears were not meant as a desperate effort to replicate Muskie and salvage the victory through showing emotion. The rumor that she has accused Senator Obama of being too dry-eyed and calculating to be president is untrue, and she has made it clear that she will not say that again. The rumor that Obama is taking lessons from premier movie-producer Michael Moore on how to act like he’s crying are also untrue and Obama has said he will take no more acting-lessons. In any case, standing on a truck and making a speech during a snowstorm anywhere is enough to make anybody cry and wish to be campaigning in Hawaii (little joke there).
***There have been nasty rumors by staffers who are recent college graduates (and therefore perhaps excusable) that Senator Obama is not actually a citizen since he was born in Hawaii. Hawaii had been a state for two years when Obama was born there in 1961. It’s okay and helpful, however, to refer to him as a second-generation American, since his father, a native of Kenya, was a resident alien first in Hawaii, when Obama was born, and then in Boston later while attending Harvard. The fact that Obama spent his childhood in Indonesia did not change his status. This is important when working with college students and immigrants who can vote, whether illegal or not, as well as Muslims and Catholics, since Obama attended both Muslim and Catholic schools in Indonesia. The rumor that Obama has connected Senator Clinton and her husband philosophically to George Bush since they all attended Yale, compared to his superior background of attending Harvard, is untrue, and he has promised not to do it again. Also, former president Bill Clinton has suggested that his birthplace of Hope, Arkansas, not be mentioned, since Huckabee was also born there, and the Baptists in Hope are known to frown on grown men dallying with girl interns on government property. Also, dallying in pickups, even with four-wheel-drive drive, is frowned on in Hope, so just don’t bring up the subject of man’s best friend – his pickup truck – in the Arkansas campaign.
***Don’t get bogged down in religious matters in this campaign. Obama’s father and step-father furnish him his Muslim side (good especially in Michigan and California), but he tempered that with his membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ, which has this in its description, “We are an African people, and remain ‘true to our native land,’ the mother continent, the cradle of civilization.” That helps him with the black voters everywhere, especially in South Carolina, where they figure the cradle to be in Columbia. Both the other front-runners, Clinton and Edwards, are Methodists, but the Methodists can’t figure out what to do about homosexual behavior, so the upshot is that religion should be avoided at all costs in discussions, no matter if the candidates manipulate it to fit whatever area in which they’re operating. Let them defend their own faith. At every chance, knock Huckabee and McCain for being Baptists, but only of the strain of which Jimmy Carter and Al Gore disapprove. Baptists are squirrelly at best and there are all kinds of them. Some even do snake-handling, which is what campaign managers do, too (little levity there…explain it to recent grads).
***Be on the lookout for Michael Moore’s new movie sensation, tentatively titled “Cinderhilla and the Bama Gang.” Ostensibly, it’s all about a cheerleader and the Alabama football team…or a singer and a rock group…or a waitress and wild motorcyclists…or a maid and the Budweiser Clydesdales/coach (hasn’t been decided yet), but Moore claims it has subliminal messages that will guarantee victory in November and even set up the top and second spots on the winning ticket. The rumor that Obama and Clinton are arguing over who wins in the movie are not true, and both have said they will not do it again.
And so it goes.