Friday, October 31, 2008

The Larry*Barry*Joe Show

It’s about 9:00 p.m. in the CNN studios in New York and Larry King, on his nightly program Larry King Live, is interviewing Barack Obama and Joe Biden, who are aboard the Obama campaign-plane. They are hereinafter referenced as K, O, and B, respectively.

~K: Welcome to the show, guys, but I gotta warn ya…none of those softball questions Rush Limbaugh accuses me 14 times every day of tossing to the democrats. You know I’m tough, but Limbaugh does it for the ratings. Just a sec…hello, caller, not now…get those #$#%&^ technicians on the ball back there…

~B: Naughty, naughty, buddy boy Larry, watch those open mikes, they’re killers…remember when ol’ Cheney told Leahy to…

~O: Um, er…never mind, Joe…er…eh…ah…these mikes are open, too…

~B: They are? Get those %$#&^* techies back there to…ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that in the first six months…

~K: No speeches, Joe, this is strictly Q&A and caller-questions time, so cool it and get ready for the toughies. I’m on your side, but the public demands fairness and…

~B: Okay, okay, it’s just that I’ve been in speech-mode lately and…

~O: Uh…ah, Larry…um…er, I’m always ready for the ah…um…whew…toughies because I always…uh...er…um…tell the truth every…

~K: I take it you don’t have a teleprompter handy there, Barry…it’s okay if I call you Barry? Okay…thanks…y’know…Barack sounds so…well…so…reminds folks of Mohamed Atta and…

~O: I don’t appreciate that, Larry, with…um…er all due respect…oh…ah…teleprompter…yeah…where the #$%&^% are those guys with the…

~K: No sweat there, Mr. Next President, no sweat, say…why do the fundamentalist, radical, rabid, numbskull radio talking-heads say you can’t speak coherently without…

~O: Ah…uh…sheesh…I don’t know…ah…um…I’m perfectly comfortable no matter…besides, Joe here..ah…er…said last year that I’m…ah…what was that you…

~B: Articulate, Barack…articulate.

~O: Is that ah…ugh…the opposite of um…plagiarism…eh…or something like that? (laughter)

~B: Okay, buddy, now we’re even. Besides, I didn’t steal that Irishman’s speech…and I certainly won’t do it again…sheesh…who cares what speech-writer one uses as long as…

~K: Hello, caller. You say you want to ask Senator Obama about spreading the wealth around? Okay, Barry, there’s a killer for you…right after this commercial. (pause) Now, let’s hear it, Senator.

~O: Well…ah…uh…I certainly didn’t mean to…mean to redistribute, that is…um…er…eh…a-a-a-n-n-d-d-d so you see…it’s just a sort of giving a tax break to aye…eh…95% of all the…

~K: What’s that, caller, you didn’t understand because only 40% of people pay taxes in the first place…how about that, Barry, the caller says that…

~O: The caller is obviously misinformed…uh…eh…now…that 40% will…uh…like Joe here says…

~B: I didn’t say anything, but what Barack means is that the middle-class will get well and the guys making over ninety-thou or so can eat cake and ante-up to the…

~K: Time for a break, guys. Tomorrow, the laughing clowns from Siberia will be here to…

~B: Laughing clowns from Siberia! Hey, Larry, nobody laughs in Siberia…they just starve, cough, sneeze and…run from the bears…oh…ha…ha… (pause for commercial)

~K: Okay, caller, forget the redistribute thing and ask Senator Biden why he would make such a racist remark about the Siberians. How about that, Joe, was that a racist…

~B: Nah…just a joke. Siberians are just as good as Pennsylvania coal miners…ladies and gentlemen, when Barack and I get to Air Force One we’ll…

~O: A-a-n-n-d-d…let me just say…er…uh…oh…I never said that…um…people in Pennsylvania hug…ah…er…their Bibles and…roust the…um…bushes for…uh…immigrants…I said…hey, wait a minute, Joe…uh…er…Air Force TWO is your…uh…

~K: Thank you, caller. Joe, the caller wants to know what the main issue is in this…

~B: No sweat there, buddy boy Larry. The main issue is a short three-letter word – JOBS! And, ladies and gentlemen, let there be no…

~K: No, caller, the senator is not drunk. JOB is a three-letter word and the S on the end doesn’t change anything…right, Joe?

~B: Right, Larry, like I said…jobs is the three-letter word we all must be concerned about, and ladies and gentlemen, when Barack and I and Michelle and Jill and…

~O: Let me just say, Larry, t-t-h-h-a-a-t-t not one person will be out of…uh…work when I’m…a-a-n-n-d-d…Michelle is proud of this country and never said it’s mean and won’t…uh…ah…er…say it again…and never said…um…eh…that I stink and…ugh…ah…throw my dirty socks…

~K: Remember, folks, Alec Baldwin will be here Thursday to explain why he’s still here after Bush won in 2000 and he said he was moving to France…and now, guys, a break to make some money. (pause) Hello, caller, you say you’re not sure where you are…sheesh…call 911…hello, caller, okay, got it. Hey, Barry, caller wants to know why you don’t show everybody your birth certificate. How about that…don’t they keep those things in Hawaii?

~O: That certificate of…uh…ah…live birth has been all over…over…well…the Internet and proves that I was born…a-a-n-n-d-d…well, Larry, here I am…what more does anyone…sheesh…need to know?

~B: Y’see, Larry, that McCain crowd keeps insisting that Barack here was born in Africa – Africa, for cryin’ out loud…bad as Arkansas…not even some civilized place like Delaware, so…

~K: What’s that, caller, you’re mad as hell and you won’t take it anymore and you’re calling from where…from…Nairobi…oh…sheesh…Joe, that’s the capital of Kenya.

~B: Kenya, Schmenia, Larry…oh…THAT KENYA, where Barack’s grandmother lives, and his step-brother that lives in that shack and…

~K: Yeah…THAT Kenya, Joe! What’s that, caller…what happens if Barry was born in Africa and gets elected…well, what happens, guys? You’re both lawyers. Will he also be president of Kenya, maybe? The caller wants to know if he can get on Medicare, food-stamps, the GI bill, Medicaid, and free medical insurance for his 28 children and counting.

~B: Naw, Larry, if that should be the case the Constitution would declare the vice president automatically to be the new president. Hey, maybe we should be in separate airplanes…ladies and gentlemen, I promise four more years of…

~O: Shut up, Joe! Where the #$^%$&*^ is that…uh…ah…well…teleprompter? Just a sec there, Larry, I have that…oh…er…birth thing covered in…um…em…whew…one of my speeches…hang on...

~K: And there you have it, folks, straight from the candidates’ mouths…just where they stand on everything. Be sure to tune in tomorrow night. Barbra Streisand’s bodyguard’s bodyguard will be my guest and promises to explain why Barry loves Hollywood fund-raisers.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

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