It's late at night in a cave just east of the Afghanistan-Pakistan border (or just west…depending on where U.S. drones are dropping bombs). Osama bin Laden, al-Qaeda head honcho, and his second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, are meeting with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, hereinafter referred to as O, A, and M, respectively.
~O: The American elections are finally over and…praise Allah…Hussein has won. As they sing in democrat circles, "Happy Days Are Here Again." (starts singing)
~M (perplexed): What is this strange song…not even the whine of a muezzin with the tonsillitis sounds so…
~A: Stop it, Osama…Allah be mortified…he’s been listening to the short-wave Voice of America again, Mahmoud. Ever since we lost our Dixie Chicks CD he's…
~O: The whine of a sick muezzin! Is that what you said, Mahmoud? (brandishes AK-47) Allah prepare to receive a…ah well…Barry has won and he makes the whole world sing…
~M: Put that down, Osama…I was making a joke…Allah have a sense of humor…your commanding, majestic voice is what inspires beheadings, bombers, suicide pilots, rapes in Sudan and most everywhere else…in short, you are second only to Mullah Omar in inspiring…
~O: Second to Omar…surely you jest, Mahmoud. I’m second to no one. (points AK-47) I’m the…
~A: Calm down, Osama. The Barry who won is not the Manilow that makes the whole world sing, like you think. He's the great Obamessiah. Mahmoud only means that Mullah Omar is the Commander of the Faithful, making him – even with that one eye and not much education like I, as a doctor, have – the most esteemed Muslim alive, even if less than 30% of the Afghanis who appointed him can read…Allah be embarrassed! Besides, he has refused to turn us over to the evil Great Satan Cheney, who shoots innocent bird-hunters, and Omar could deliver us most any time. Imagine being shot in the behind with bird-shot!
~O (lowering the gun): Ah…you're right, Ayman…sorry, Mahmoud…it's living in these bat-infested caves all these years that's made my life, besides being one of supreme sacrifice, so miserable.
~A: Oh woe, Mahmoud…Allah take notice of the sacrifice of your servants. If we venture out to a Pakistani village the drones fly overhead and take pictures and if we venture for a night or two to Kabul, the evil Karzai sets his henchmen out to get us. Even now, he is begging the Americans to let Mullah Omar have safe passage to his tribe, never mind the ten million dollars the U.S. has promised as reward for him.
~O: Bah! Only ten million for that one-eyed Taliban. I'm worth 25 million U.S. dollars…Allah take notice…another reason for never getting too close to anyone, even in Pakistan, where that crooked widower of Benazir is president now and would sell his entire family for the price of a dozen Texas longhorns…
~A: Speaking of which, Mahmoud, have you brought us any steaks? All we have here is goat bologna, overripe figs, a few mushrooms and MREs the American GIs trade to the Karzai army for the caviar the Russians send us as a bribe to keep al Qaeda from flying airliners into all those skyscrapers they showed off during the Olympics, which is then traded back to the Americans for cigarettes. Oh…ha…ha…Allah be glorified…as if we had any more such brave pilots to send to the virgins!
~M: U-m-m-m. I understand that the main reason is that the Chinese won't issue driver licenses to good Muslims so they can attend Chinese flying-schools, like the stupid Americans did when…who was he…Slick Willie…was president. As for steaks, Mullah Omar told me to tell you that you can eat cake.
~O: Ah…Slick Willie…whew…whew…WHEW…WHEW…all those interns without these awful burkas…without much of anything…who could blame him for…WHEW!!!
~A: Allah be ashamed for Osama! Stop that drooling, Osama…your beard is getting matted. But to the business at hand, Mahmoud! What does the election of this Barry Hussein Obama mean for us?
~M: It means that he and I will talk without preconditions, which is the same as saying without being in the same country. Hoo-hah ! Allah be thanked for my wisdom…I have already sent word to this Rahm Emanuel, his assistant who they say sends dead fish to his enemies…most everybody…ha…ha…that the preconditions will be set by me, not by him…and that he'd better not reveal that to the stupid American citizens or I will have Ayatollah Khomenei pronounce a fatwa on the Howard Dean, the savior of the democrats. I heard that this Emanuel put a horse's head in Dean's bed…must have been the ultimate compliment…with plenty of blood!
~A: a-a-r-r-h-h-g-g-A-A-R-R-H-H-G-G-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H…ON TO WISCONSIN…
~O (firing AK-47 at the ceiling): Shut up, Ayman…sheesh…look at these dead bats all over my prayer rug and mangy feathers in our hookah! Forgive him, Mahmoud…as you know, Ayman vents his frustrations and admirations by using the Dean scream…Allah be not deafened by this fool…not to mention us…and alerting the American Rangers who might be lurking anywhere these days!
~A: Allah be sanitized…you've upset our latrine ditch again, Osama, and now look at what's streaming under your prayer rug. Mahmoud, how long will it take to talk the Obamessiah into keeping troops in that accursed Iraq so they won't be sent here?
~M: Surely you jest, Ayman. I will talk the Obamessiah into taking all the Americans out of Iraq immediately so al-Maliki and the rest of us Shiites can take over Iraq and…
~A (brandishing AK-47): Stop right there, Mahmoud. (shoots AK-47 through the cave entrance, killing two bodyguards) What's this business about the Shiites taking over Iraq?
~M: Ayman, Ayman. The Shiites are 60% of the population…we're entitled…like that Father Pfleger said about Hillary while he was preaching and doing what the Americans call the bump-and-grind in that church that claims the Garden of Eden was in the Congo. Besides, Saddam and his Sunni gang ran the place for 25 years and killed 400,000 Shiites, give or take a few thousand…so it IS our turn.
~O: There is a certain weird logic to that, Mahmoud, but do you plan to talk the Obamessiah into taking all these UN troops, especially the Americans, out of Afghanistan, like you've promised.
~M: It's as good as done, Osama. Anyone who can thrill 200,000 in Berlin and make the leg of the American MSNBC guru Chris Matthews tingle can do anything. I'm making him a present of the state-of-the-art teleprompter – made in China – to let him know of my sincerity. And with the American economy going into the tank since the democrats have been taking over Congress since 2005, I plan to buy off the entire democrat caucus in both houses and talk the Obamessiah out of the White House, claiming no preconditions, and take over the government. It's all in that vision I had while speaking at the United Nations. What's in this hookah, anyway? (nods off)
~ A & O: a-a-r-r-g-g-h-h-a-a-r-r-g-g-h-h-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H!!!!!!!
And so it goes.
Jim Clark
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