Monday, December 15, 2008

Under the Bus!

It's mid-afternoon in a room over the Anything Goes Bar on a busy street in South Chicago. In attendance are William Ayers, his wife Bernardine Dohrn, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, Father Michael Phleger, and the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, hereinafter referenced as A, D, B, P, and W.

~A: We all know why we’re here, I assume, so...

~W: Actually, I don’t know, Bill...after all, this place was known as the most lascivious – that word's in the King James and means lewd or lustful – speakeasy in all of Illinois during the twenties and thirties and, even though I’ve retired, my former flock would be traumatized if they knew...well...I just came because you said it was a meeting to set up some kind of new damnation for America and...

~P: The King James, did you say, Jeremiah? Man, I gotta get back to reading the Word. All I've been doing lately is trying to form some kind of appeal to the Pope so John Kerry can receive communion again. He might want to run again in...

~D: Hah! Kerry'll be 'way too old in 2016, and Barry has it tied up till then, Mike, so forget the juice and crumpet bit – make that unleavened crumpet – and get back to reading that crucifixion account...wish I coulda been there to hammer the...(giggles hysterically)...nails...oh, what crap!

~B: Watch it, Bern, I'm #$%^&* Eastern Orthodox and I don't appreciate that one &^$#@ bit, so just knock it off right now or I'll get the &^%@# outta here...

~A: Cool it, you guys...cool it right now. Cut Bernardine some slack...she dreamed of Charles Manson again last night and got up and stuck a fork in the cat, so she's having PTSD today. Try a little kindness.

~W: I'm kind, Bill, I'm kind...just puzzled why we can't meet in the library or some place...you know...not some seedy bar...besides, black folk never came to this speakeasy back then. They had to get drunk out on the sidewalk and get hauled off to...

~A: We're celebrities, Jeremiah, the preeminent and most loyal of Barry's supporters. We can't all be seen together in public. In fact, it's better if we're not seen anywhere right now. That might steal some thunder from him right now when he's already trying to explain away old Rod's...

~B: Watch it, Bill! I don't appreciate that one #%^*&^ bit. We were in an honest discussion with Barry's crowd about that &^%(* ambassadorship. Those things are bought and sold after every *&*&*&^ election, as you well know. At least, I didn't threaten to "*&#@^ blow up the...

~D: Hey, hey, blow 'em away...that's the way it was...right, Bill? If we coulda just got enough TNT, we might've blown down the White House...whee...ol' Tricky Dick flyin' over the capitol...without an airplane...oh...ha...ha...

~A: Cool it, Bernardine...those days are long-gone...how I miss 'em...

~P: Did you guys actually blow up stuff? I never really believed anybody would...

~W: Blow up stuff? Man, Bill and Bern put the ol' Hiroshima right on the Pentagon...just like Reagan and his gang put the HIV on us black folk! Father, you need to get out more, especially with that routine on Hillary...oh...hahahahaha...I'm still laughin' at that bump-and-grind routine in my pulpit...had all my folk stompin' and hollerin' and climbin' the walls...all in the spirit, o' course...

~B: %#@**&!!!! This place sounds like the ^#&@% loony bin. Hey, Bill, what did you guys have to sell...or buy...whichever? You didn't go to jail, so some #^&$# Chicago politician got you the %$#& off the hook. Who was it?

~A: Long time ago there, Rod. Dead men tell no tales or lies and neither do I, but when the money's right, anything goes, just like the name of this place. I guess Elliot Ness was the last straight guy in Chicago and that was 'way back in...

~B: Any way we can put the arm on Barry, Bill? We all laid it on the &$^#@ line for him, and he even laid it all on the &^$%# line for me. Any #$@*& loyalty from that end? That %#$&&^ New Yorker article even claimed Barry got to be high-profile stuff when he and Rahm advised on my %&#$* governor-campaign. I called that &^$%** Rahm last night and he just snarled in my ear and said I'd be *^&%$# lucky if I didn't get a *^&#%# horse-head in my bed. Is he throwing me under...

~A: Naw...we just gotta lay low for a while. We're Barry's best friends but we carry a bit of baggage right now. It'll take a while for him to settle in and then...I'm sure he'll replace Hillary with me at State, and maybe see that Jeremiah gets to be chaplain of the Senate and Bernardine – she teaches law, ya know – will replace Holden as Attorney General. Father, you'll probably be ambassador to the Vatican. That act in Jeremiah's church bought you almost anything you want – stopped Hillary cold.

~D: Whee!!!! Attorney General!!! Oh, Bill, we can put half of Congress in jail...maybe even water-board the suckers. There's enough corruption in that outfit to make old Blago here look good. As the Indians say...get out the long knives to the Long Knives...whee...maybe do executions by guillotine. Oh....hahahahaha!!!!!

~A: Throwing you under the what, Rod? Barry's loyal...he'll see that you get either a job or the best cell at Eglin. Not to worry...they have a great golf course there.

~P: Oh...I get it...under the bus. Oh...what a joke. I get it...I get it. That's why Barry has said he doesn't remember who we are...under the bus...oh...how quaint!

~W: Bill, you still haven't explained why we're here.

~A: It's to set up our new organization to get ready to make sure Barry wins again...in 2012.

~D: Will it have an arsenal...especially for bombs, RPGs, machetes, butcher knives, AK-47s?

~A: Cool it, Bernardine. Barry is known not only as the messiah but also as the smartest guy in Washington, so I've thought of the best name for the new organization: the Universalism to Negate Demeaning of Erudite Realists, Theologians and Honest Educators Basic to the United States.

~P: Oh...it will be known by its acronym...UNDER THE BUS! How cool!

~A: H-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-a-a-r-r-g-g-h-h-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H!!!!!

And so it goes.

Jim Clark

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