Janet, Joe & Rahm

It’s just past midnight. A conference call has been set up by Department of Homeland Security Czar Janet Napolitano with Vice President Joe Biden and President Obama’s chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, hereinafter referenced as N, B, and E, respectively.

B: This had better be good, Janet, I was snoozing away and dreaming about Cheney shooting that bird-hunter…man, what a shot…almost as good as John Kerry’s non-shot that brought down two geese in that field when he was campaigning in 2004…hoo-hah, as Osama might say…what a joke…what a…

E: Shut up, Joe, you know Janet’s got something important on her mind, although I don’t have much time, Janet…I’m fixing up dead-fish packages to mail to three Congressmen. Why all this midnight stuff?

N: Look, guys, two Iraqi vets have moved their families into houses just down the street, and I’m afraid of what they might do if they saw me talking to you. Neither one of you’ve been in the military, and neither have I, and I’ve heard that might make them violent, like I said in that DHS summary…things like barking dogs, chewing-gum on the sidewalk might set ’em off. I’ve hired a good night-watchman, a former advance man for your campaigns, Rahm, and he eats raw meat before going on duty.

B: Sheesh, Janet! You woke me up for this? All I have to say is a good three-letter-word – NUTS!

E: That’s four letters, Joe, are you still in campaign mode or something? Next thing I hear…you’ll be wonderin’ what your e-mail number is…e-mail NUMBER…sheesh!

N: Stop it, you two. I’ve heard that some people feel threatened by an African-American president and I mentioned it in the memo. I need to know what you’re hearing.

B: I hear they fear the Jewish financial elites, like your DHS disastrous memo said…you know, rich Jews trying to collapse the economy and buy up all…

E: You want me to come over there and put a horse’s head in your bed, Joe?

B: God love ya, Rahm, I forgot you’re the best hora-dancer in the world…I didn’t mean anything…stand up there and let the…

E: The campaign’s over, Joe. In fact, it was over for you before it even started back in ’88 and got continued last year…or did you drop out before last year…ha…ha…ha…

N: Look, you clowns, this is serious business! The pro-lifers might get together with the vets and attack the abortion clinics…and I’ve gotta get ready for that. It could mean another Katrina…without the hurricane, of course. FEMA’s my bag now, too. What should I do?

B: Simple, Janet, just gin up the democrats over there in Congress – they got enough warm bodies (a lot of ’em without brains, o’ course) – over there to do away with the 2nd amendment and then all the guns would be confiscated and the baby-killers would be safe.

N: But about the real threat of a black president…is that real out there in the real world where real people do real things and…well, really, what should I…

E: Don’t sweat it, Janet! The KKK’s have all gone to ground now, ever since the word got out that I bit off the end of my finger. I didn’t, of course, but it puts the fear in the gown-gang. Besides, we’re proposing legislation against the manufacture of hoods with eye-holes and the demos on the Hill know better than to cross us…we’ll give ’em you-know-what if they cross us. Your derriere is covered! You know the new motto in the White House – BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!!!!!

N: Okay…that makes me feel better…really, really. But what about the homeless? It’s there in my DHS memo…all about the vets and the pro-lifers and the Pennsylvania Baptists recruiting all the homeless people and taking over all the bridges they sleep under in order to stop all traffic and tie-up the country. Could they do that?

B: God love ya, Janet…stand up there and tell those yahoos that the Guard will be under and on every bridge and if they even look sleepy enough to park for one night, the Guard will get that three-letter-command to FIRE!

E: Three-letter-word to fire…sheesh, Joe, that would be “fir.” Does that mean the Guard will cut down the nearest tree and beat ’em to death with it?

N: Not funny, Rahm! Anybody can mess up with spelling…you know, that word-smith thing I talked about to the press. Joe went to school in Pennsylvania and they might not even have fir trees there.

E: They didn’t have much in the way of the second-grade, either…ol’ Joe here…ha…ha… proves that. But watch what you say about trees when Al Gore is in town. He testified in Congress again and three congress-ladies passed out in fear that all the Polar Bears will be gone before her grandchildren get to see them. Big Al may demand legislation against tree-cutting soon and I’ve heard that it will make it a felony even to kill dandelions.

B: I gotta get back to my dreams, Janet. You got anything else?

E: Yeah, I’ve got a rough day tomorrow. The Big O’s having the Cabinet in to talk about what to do with General Motors. We got an offer we almost can’t refuse. Hugo Chavez has offered $3 trillion for it and even said he’d throw in Cuba, if necessary. He’ll have to take over from Raoul to do it – may even have to shoot him – but I’ve heard that Raoul would like to have a new Cadillac and might sell out the whole country, anyway, just to get one.

N: Uh-oh. D’ya hear that, guys? Somebody’s dog is barking and I’ve gotta see where that night watchman is. The vets down the street might be on the prowl, with those infra-red things that let ’em see in the dark. I gotta hang up, but if I’m not there for the meeting, Rahm, I’m all for it. I have a heavy day…got the proof from Al Gore that George Bush actually CAUSED that hurricane and begged the Rt. Rev. Dr. Honorable Ayatollah Imam Louis Farrakhan to not leak it that he also blew up the levees. John Kerry’s promised to hold hearings.

E: But he’s the Foreign Relations Committee chairman, Janet, not DHS chairman. You are, remember?

N: Yeah, but he’s declared that Lake Pontchartrain was not part of the Louisiana Purchase and still belongs to his favorite place – France. He got that word from Dan Rather, who found a secret contract written with an Air Guard 1803 quill…so Kerry can investigate, and I’d like to get rid of New Orleans anyway. Click, click, click.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark