It’s just past one a.m. in the little room off the Oval Office and Dr. Jekyll and his alter ego Mr. Hyde are meeting with President Obama and his chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, hereinafter referenced as J, H, O, and E, respectively, if not necessarily respectfully.
*H: I say, Mr. Obama, is there some reason why we’re meeting in this terribly small space…I would have expected an oak table with a bar, good food…not these styrofoam cups, the coffee machine and powdered crème…whew…are we in such danger that…
*O: Actually no, Mr. Hyde…no danger at all…it’s just that your reputation is…um…uh…er…and by the way, please address me as Mr. President, if you don’t mind.
*J: This IS strange, Barack, this tiny room for your partners from across the seas, and, by the way, I dislike those snobbery-mongering titles. They’re so silly…I’ll just call you Barack…or better still, maybe Barry, if you don’t mind…and even if you do…(laughter)…and you can just call me Henry and I’m sure Mr. Hyde would prefer Edward.
*E: Actually, Edward, we decided on this room because Mrs. Clinton had a séance and tried to channel Eleanor Roosevelt in our best room with an oak table, a bar and (laughter) sometimes dancing girls – for Bill, you know – and so we’re naturally afraid to let it out that we’re consulting…with (whispering) a possible psychiatric team.
H: Well…we met with Howie Dean when he was DNC chairman back in December 2005 in a broom closet…and when I threatened him with some Drano to the face he committed the SCREAM, dumping a bucket of mop-water on his head, scaring two little ladies in the hallway into hysterics and short-circuiting the furnace…oh…ha, ha…what fun…a plumber’s helper in my ear!
*J: Never mind that, Edward. Remember, you tried the SCREAM and blew out both tonsils and all of your front teeth…blood everywhere…what a sight! But tell me, Rahm, did Ms. Clinton – okay, now Secretary Clinton – actually have to dodge those awful snipers she…
*O: Gentlemen, let’s get down to business. We need advice on the health-care bill and…
*H: Yes…let’s. We have to catch an early flight back to aristocracy…nothing like this hodge-podge melting-pot business we call…egad, former colonies, and still the rightful property of the crown, God save the queen…(wild laughter)…and all the ships that ram in the night…all that twisted metal and blood and gore…
*J: Do stop it, Edward. What he means, Barry, is that you must be hard as steel in these trying times with the plan. By the way, can you describe some of it?
*O: Uh, er…where’s that blasted teleprompter, Rahm? You were supposed to have it here in case I had to explain anything. (deep sigh) Why don’t you just give them a summary? (lights a cigarette)
*E: Who…me? I thought you’d read it. No…wait, it was Pelosi who was supposed to have read it. You want me to call her?
*O: You mean you haven’t read it, Rahm? I sure haven’t…and neither has anybody in Congress…but don’t call Pelosi…she might either smile or frown and break her face. Then we’d all be in trouble.
*J: I say…this is bloody strange, Rahm. By the way, do you actually send dead fish to your enemies and did you actually get mad and bite off your pinky when you were a teenager?
*E: Of course not, it’s no and no and I won’t do it again and again. Now…where did I put our copy of that plan, Mr. President?
*H: Oh…ha, ha, Rahm…can’t you call Barry…Barry? Bloody strange, that.
*O: I expect loyalty from the Uncle Toms…oops…strike that Dr. Jekyll…I never said that and I won’t say it again. I meant the servants…oops…what I meant is that the office commands respect from all of its officials and that…
*H: Bloody snobby, wouldn’t you say, Henry? Tell me, Barry, do you use a cat-o-nine-tails or a blackjack or a taser or just a rope on people like…
*J: Edward, PLEASE! What he means, Barry, is that you are right to discipline your crew and exact loyalty. Tell me, is there any part of the plan you remember just from eavesdropping in the hallways, for instance?
*O: There is something about the end-of-life conferences in there and a lot of folks don’t like it.
*H: End-of-life conferences…oh, bloody sweet! Use what I call the old Sir Danvers Carew Treatment…ah…I remember it well as I bashed in the old man’s head right there in the lane, although I ruined that perfectly good cane with the heavy knob…egad…I hated to lose that cane. It’s so simple, Barry…I have another heavy-knobbed cane to which you are most welcome…but I insist on getting to watch. (gazes at the ceiling) I can still hear old Carew’s bones cracking. (wild laughter) While having that little end-of-life conference, just sneak around to the…
*J: Really, Edward, you DO go on. What he means is simply that when decisions have to be made about who gets care and who doesn’t, the answer must be made perfectly clear that it’s final. Those between 15 and 44 are treated first, then the younger ones, then those over 50 until about age 70…and then…
*H: And then GANGBUSTERS! Line up the old idiots and…well, after all…they should be patriotic enough to serve their country by dying…if not, just help them along. (wilder laughter) Drop down to the nearest pub and have a pint of hemlock on me…oh, the writhing…
*E: Is he serious, Dr. Jek…er…Henry?
*J: Oh of course not. That’s just Edward being Edward. What he means is that everyone should have solid support and comfort when the time comes to die. By the way, is this the room where Bill Clinton and that intern…oh, what a jolly time that must…is this the room?
*O: Ahem…uh…um…well, what if the older ones would rather not die…just stick around and cost a lot in medicine and stuff…
*H: Simple Barry, bloody simple. Give them the Princess Di treatment…get a Sherman Tank and run it through the nursing-home lunchroom and crunch the old die-hards against the ovens and…
*J: That’s quite enough, Edward. What he means is that old people should be protected and kept warm until, of course, the time comes for them to…
*H: TURN COLD…watch their scrawny old bodies seen off to the mortuary and…will the circle be unbroken…by and by, Lord, by and by…
*J: Enough, Edward, and you’re way off key anyway! What he means is that every effort should be made to make their funeral arrangements as dignified as possible.
*O: How much should it cost?
*J: Well, my medical-school book said the body is worth about 79 cents, physical-wise, so…
*E: Whee…happy days are here again…a funeral for the old geeks at maybe five bucks and change!
*H: A-a-r-r-g-g-h-h-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H On to Waterloo!
*O: Call out the National Guard…and somebody PLEASE get these adenoids out of my hair!
And so it goes.
Jim Clark
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