Thursday, September 16, 2010

DNC Memorandum #18

From the office of Tim Kaine, chairman, 16 September 2010

**Staffers are to play down the Primary results of Tuesday, in which incumbents – both parties – or democrats following the party-line may seem to have looked out-of-step with national thinking (everything is national these days, federal government as god). Please refer to Sharron Angle as “that nutcase woman” from Nevada and never mention that she was successful in beating court decisions that attempted to change Nevada’s tax laws, or that she was the republican ramrod in the Nevada legislature. Refer to Christine O’Donnell as that “other woman” or the “Delaware Demoniac.” Her opponent, Congressman Castle, was the Democrat Party’s favorite republican (after Arlen Specter), so in November the Democrats would have won either way. Now, we may have to do serious dirt-digging on O’Donnell as well as Angle. Please always mention that Harry Reid was once a D.C. policeman but never mention his record, especially the whining, in the Senate and his declaration of a lost war a few years back.

**The president and attorney general remain unhappy with all the red/yellow/black/white papers from the DNC defining the typical white person and the typical black person. However, these subjects are not to be further addressed until after the November elections for obvious reasons (because they’re divisive, for recent Harvard graduates). The wag who thumb-tacked the notice describing the typical Muslim person at the bottled-water keg and non-trans-fat, non-hamburger (eating grease okay if Senator Biden does), non-hotdog, non-dairy-product-of-any-kind, non-chocolate, non-smoking (smoking okay if Obama lights up), veggie-fortified, yogurt-enhanced snack-bar and body-mass-chart, carbon-cap-graph, endangered-species-obituary-wall-chart, blue/red-state-map, and Bush/BP/Limbaugh-dartboard as “anyone wearing a shirt or coat five sizes too large” will be punished when apprehended by having to write “Allah Akbar” on the conference-room chalk-board 10,000 times.

**Breaking news in New Jersey papers has to do with Imam Rauf’s acceptance of more than $2 million in tax money to renovate his rental properties but that apparently he just banked it and has been hailed into court. His apartments are full of bedbugs, rundown generally, are rat-infested fire hazards, have no utilities and not even accurate compasses pointing east so that their occupants will know in which direction to pray. One tenant had actually prayed facing west for three months and was speaking Arabic with a San Francisco accent and cross-dressing. Rahm Emanuel has noted that the imam says he did not do all those bad things and will not do them again. The official DNC line is that all the apartment-degradation was taking place while Imam Rauf was busy representing the president in the Middle East, along with George Mitchell, Richard Holbrook, State Secretary Clinton, Senator Kerry, and a homeless man from Kabul, the latter to give the representation diversity. The rumor that Imam Rauf asked to be accompanied by the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders instead of these clowns is untrue, and Rauf has said he will not ask again.

**Be on the lookout for additional accusations against Congresspersons Rangel and Waters vis-à-vis their ethics-trials, which hopefully will not be held before November. Rangel has just won his primary notwithstanding what amounts to actual crimes, not just ethics violations, things of which most if not all the legislators are guilty on a routine basis. Both Rangel and Waters will be reelected in November, notwithstanding their peccadilloes, as was Congressman Jefferson in 2006 despite that $90,000 stashed among the chicken-wings in his freezer and all the rest of the bribery-stuff that has him basking him in federal prison, eating three squares a day, bankrupt and trying to figure out how to pay his legal bills amounting to $4 million. Jefferson has repeatedly denied offering to sell Bourbon Street to the head Nigerian hatchet-man in 2005, just after Katrina hit. The Nigerian has corroborated this, claiming that Jefferson actually offered him the Ninth Ward, which was still underwater…for a long time.

**Michael Moore is planning a new propaganda movie, actually a mystery/thriller docudrama, concerning the Glenn Beck rally at the Lincoln Memorial in August. The working title is: The Mad Fool of the Reflecting Pool. Three deranged Pentecostals named Faith, Hope and Charity have been hired by George Soros- and Rahm Emanuel-characters to infiltrate the crowd, talking in unknown tongues that a Muslim sleeper-cell group on a spy-mission from Dearborn mistakes for a fatwa from Iran’s Khameinei anent Beck and strike matches to their shoes as they rush the stage. Moore hasn’t decided on the rest of the script but he promises suspense that will spin the 400,000-member crowd (unfortunately, the correct attendance) into a group of about a dozen Satanists, with Beck as a wiccan foaming at the mouth and pronouncing curses on republicans, the Tea party, John Boehner and Goldman-Sachs. Moore is planning a séance with State Secretary Clinton (an expert at channeling Eleanor Roosevelt) in an effort to resurrect the Three Stooges. More about this later!

**Do not – REPEAT – do NOT in your town-hall meetings engage in any talk about mosques in any locations. If the term Cordoba House Mosque comes up, simply relate that this is a building in Spain that belongs to the Catholics. If that doesn’t work, simply say it’s the name of an exotic cologne used by men of distinction. If that doesn’t work, terminate the meeting and take the names of the people there for investigation by Attorney General Holder.

**Staffers are warned not to get into the president’s “dogfight” talk. When he strayed off teleprompter in that speech the other day he mentioned that people in Washington “talk about him like a dog.” Obviously, real dogs can’t talk, though they might make more sense than folks if they did. The DNC line is that in Kenya elephants are referred to as dogs, so the president was just using a quaint way while paying tribute to his heritage to declare that the people in Washington who criticize him are republicans. Simple! Remember to keep a straight face when you mention this; otherwise, you may evoke embarrassing snickers.

And so it goes.
Jim Clark

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