It’s midnight in a cave somewhere in the mountains just east of the Afghan-Pakistan border. Ayman al Zawahiri, new al Qaeda chief, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran, and Bashir al Assad, Syrian head of government, are meeting. Hereinafter, they are referenced as Z, M and A.
**M: I’m tired of meeting in these caves, Ayman…Allah be praised anyway…and would rather meet somewhere else, preferably in my safest of all countries.
**Z: Bah, Mahmoud, you Shiites are all alike…Allah be disappointed…tenderfoots…
**A: That’s tenderfeet, Ayman. Your Arabic translation of the western words, besides being scandalous in the first place are…well…I lived in England for years and I know…
**M: One more word about Shiites, Ayman, and…Allah forgive me for not making it a suicide assassination…I’ll have you dispatched to the devil. (reaches for AK-47)
**A: Fellow Muslims…Allah, forgive us all…let’s not fight among ourselves! Let’s show disrespect for the Great Satan by speaking in English…or American…or whatever the actual tenderfeet class is speaking these days in the U.S., which has as many strange accents as…takes folks in Mississippi, for instance, a full minute just to say good morning and everything is in Spanish these days…hoo hah…try to get American on the telephone!
**M: Well, I hate these caves…Allah be not blamed for caves…but I understand a drone dogs your every move, Ayman, so you can’t leave the country…so…no offense intended. (puts away the AK-47)
**A: So, why this urgent meeting, Ayman? I can hardly afford to leave Damascus…Allah, give me safekeeping…while there are still insurgents to be shot down in the streets.
**Z: Yes, Bashir, not since your father shot them down like the dogs they are have you had such an opportunity to keep order in your country. What was it…20,000 dispatched by Hafez to the hereafter, with blood in the streets? Allah be praised for sanctioning bloodshed! That was about eleven years after he took charge, about the same as since you took charge.
**M: I notice the Great Satan president Obama is not threatening any action toward you, Bashir, even though he is killing Libyans right in their houses with his bombs…Allah, take revenge on the great Satan!
**A: The Obama is smart enough to pick on the weakest of nations if he feels, as American presidents sometimes do, that he is entitled to at least one war.
**Z: Allah be amused…the Obama says he is killing Libyans for humanitarian reasons…oh hoo hah…humanitarian reasons! (giggles wildly) Everyone knows he is the lackey for the Brits, Frenchies, Latinos and Italians, who get their oil from Libya and are tired of paying those humongous kickbacks to that serpent Qadaffi. The Great Satan has spent $750 million and counting while the others say they are out of ammunition, planes, rockets, missiles and everything else. O hoo hah! The U.S. gets no oil from Libya but Obama tries to kill Qaddafi anyway.
**M: Back to the subject, Ayman! Why are we meeting in this bat-infested cave? How is it that you’ve been in these miserable caves while bin Laden was living in luxury until some Pakistani gave him up for that $25 million reward?
**Z: That’s just it…Allah be beseeched for a little luxury to go along with the bat-droppings. (brushes his hair) The Pakistanis loved Osama because he gave them money. I can’t even feed all my wives and children, much less bribe the Pakistanis to hide me as they did Osama and even furnished him a TV so he could watch the soaps and the reality shows from the evil Great Satan…all those women not wearing burkas…Allah be shamed.
**A: So what do you want, Ayman? I don’t have all night.
**Z: I’m sure you’ve heard that I’m now the head of al Qaeda…Allah be praised for his wisdom!
**M: So, how many competitors did you knock off, Ayman, to get the top job? From what I’ve heard, most of al Qaeda’s assassins hate your guts so you must have gotten to them before they got to you.
**A: Or did you take a vote…oh hoo hah…take a vote in al Qaeda…Allah be amused, Ayman.
**Z: Not funny, Bashir. As a matter of fact, Osama planned it that I would take his place if it ever came to that. Why do you think I’ve been number two all these years? Actually, it’s a dangerous job. Instead of a paltry $10 million on my head, I’m sure now that the Obama will raise it to the same as Osama’s – a cool $25 million. How many goats and poppy fields would that buy, Bashir? Even my bodyguards have bodyguards.
**M: So you’re a big deal now, Ayman…so what else is new? Allah, do not look upon this boredom. What do you want from us?
**Z: Part of the deal I made with the other leaders to get this job included my promise to infiltrate and/or attack Guantanamo and grab Khalid Sheik Mohammad from the Americans, sort of an eye for an eye since the SEALS not only grabbed Osama but shot him, too. So, I need help and…
A: Oh…hoo hah, grab Khalid from the Americans…Allah forgive this fool. You have as much chance of that as Mahmoud, here, has of getting the bomb.
**M: (grabbing his AK-47) Them’s fightin’ words, pilgrim.
**Z: Oh…so you’ve been watching the evil Great Satan TV, too, Mahmoud. Hahahahaha! Fightin’ words, pilgrim…oh hoo hah.
**M: (fires gun into the ceiling) Oh no…not again. (wipes bat-feathers and -intestines out of his eyes). You did that or somebody did that the last time I met with you and Osama. Look, the latrine is running under your rug, Ayman…I’m outta here. (leaves)
**A: Me, too, Ayman…Allah, have mercy on this Sunni madman. What you need are the armies of China, Russia, Pakistan, England, France, and even the Taliban if you can find Mullah Omar.
**Z: But the Castro brothers have already agreed to give me the key to their side of Gitmo so I can just slip in and…by the way, Bashir, I have to pay for that key…so… (Assad leaves) a-a-r-r-g-g-h-h-A-A-R-R-G-G-H-HA-A-R-R-G-G-H-H!!!!!!
And so it goes.
Jim Clark
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