Thursday, December 29, 2011

DNC Memorandum #6

From the office of the ChairWOMAN, 28 December 2011

***Listen up! Enough already about the 90 rounds of golf POTUS has played!!! This is the word to put out in Town Hall meetings. Ninety rounds at four hours each compute to only 360 hours (for recent Harvard graduates), or only 45 working days, just under three months. POTUS does golf for a reason, namely, to invoke awareness of the importance of staying physically fit; however, discourage any talk by unionists that workers should have ten weeks of vacation per year in order to stay fit and do better work as a result. Also, do not show close-up pictures of POTUS if there’s any of what appears to be nicotine stain on his fingers. If by accident such a picture is shown, explain that POTUS has a rare but harmless skin disease known as glandular annulares, or something like that, caused by an allergy to teleprompters, the implication being that he makes a tremendous sacrifice every time he favors the hoi polloi with an eloquent, erudite, non-plagiarizing (for VPOTUS Biden, little joke there), brilliant speech.

***There’s been talk about POTUS and FLOTUS hitting the Treasury for $4 million for the current Hawaii holiday (all the planes and personnel and vehicles and secret-service guys, hairdressers, valets, secretaries, for instance). This must stop immediately, with the explanation that POTUS decided the importance of visiting Hawaii (statehood – 1959), as the last frontier state, outweighed any expense. The other last-frontier state, Alaska (also 1959), was obviously too cold at this time of year so POTUS, FLOTUS and COPOTUS (children of POTUS, for Yale graduates on staff) will honor that state when the weather is warm and the golf courses include mostly grass…probably a few years from now when global warming has made Alaska habitable. Check former VPOTUS Al Gore for the timetable, but do not consult his Inconvenient Truth since that document has been thoroughly disproved now.

***All staffers who appeared at the recent Occupy Wall Street protests but were not arrested will be docked a week’s pay since the objective was to embarrass the police forces account their torture of democrat officials, so designated by your letters under my name. Also, all claims concerning rape, unbearable conditions in the parks, forced use of outside visible facilities (trees and bushes) for bodily functions, frostbite, bedbugs-infestations, cocaine-lite and uncured marijuana will not be honored since POTUS has demanded further cuts and less spending by the DNC, the latter not for public consumption in Town Hall meetings since they sound too republican. When protests resume in the spring, the DNC, on orders from POTUS since 2012 is an election year, will not participate for obvious reasons.

***As the presidential campaigns will be narrowed soon, republicans are expected to question POTUS’s decision to unilaterally and by executive order bomb the bejesus out of Libya in March and finally kill off Qaddafi. This sounds ominously like assassination, prohibited by law, so a red/yellow/black/white paper is to be prepared by the DNC explaining his actions (POTUS’s, not Qaddafi’s), something POTUS could do but for the time-constraints since he is in full campaign-mode. Suggestions concerning his reasons are to be dropped in the Biden Box (through the slot, for recent Harvard graduates) located by the George Bush dart-board. No reference is to be made to Libya’s population (2 million less than that of New York City), the miniscule size of Libya’s military, or oil, especially the latter, which the Brits and Frogs badly need. Also, explain how Libya differed from Syria (it didn’t, actually) since the republicans will taunt POTUS for not attacking Syria. Accuse them (republicans, not the Syrians) of being mean-spirited and unpatriotic.

***As the predictable massacres continue in Iraq now that the U.S. has pulled out, remind everyone in the Town Hall meetings – early if in bars, before the attendees get too drunk – that POTUS was always against that war but do NOT mention that he wasn’t in Congress in 2003 and had no vote. Also, do not mention that VPOTUS Biden and State Secretary Clinton both voted for the Iraq invasion and that Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Senator Kerry was for it before he was against it and that he mentioned that U.S. GIs who fought there were just guys who couldn’t cut it in college. Don’t mention that some 4,500 of them died, lest folks consider their deaths in vain.

***This is from Memo #4: “POTUS has expressed brilliantly that the high unemployment rate is due to the Arab Spring and the Japanese tsunami and nuclear meltdown. He has requested [from the DNC] a red/yellow/black/white paper explaining why this is the case. Not one paper of not even purple has been submitted and White House Chief-of-Staff Daly is threatening to replace me if POTUS’s explanation is not made available and teleprompter-ready within a week.” The ChairWOMAN has been lenient concerning this matter and has tried to mollify POTUS and Daly, especially by suggesting how to drop the unemployment rate overnight from 9% to 8.6% by just declaring that a few hundred thousand folks (who’s counting) had just quit looking for jobs. This is untrue, of course, but the media has accepted this as fact – okay, NBC, CBS, MSNBC, ABC, CNN – and have spread this propaganda quite well; however, the explanation POTUS needs for the reason the Arab Spring and Japanese stuff are responsible for the unemployment rate has never been offered. So, heads will roll if this matter is not cleared up, and an explanation claiming that POTUS misspoke due to golf-fatigue will not be acceptable.

***It’s untrue that VPOTUS said in a speech about fair-share that fair is a three-letter word. VPOTUS Biden has declared that he never said that and will not say it again. The exact quote: “Every millionaire should pay his share and that means a five-letter word – fair!”

***It has come to my attention that toilet paper is being used too fast in the Rest Rooms. Be advised that only one panel at a time is allowed, no matter the circumstances, and that Al Gore is keeping tabs and reporting – between massages – his results to POTUS, who has declared all polar bears, seals, and South Pole mosquitoes as endangered species. Also, make a big deal out of the warm winter so far but do not – repeat – do NOT mention last December, when the whole country was under megatons of snow and temperatures were far below normal. In the meantime: HAPPY HUNTING…make that NEW YEAR!

And so it goes.
Jim Clark

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