Tuesday, April 10, 2012

DNC Memorandum #8

From the office of the chairWOMAN, 09 April 2012

***LISTEN UP! While POTUS has taken time from his rigorous schedule to demand that Augusta National (home of the Masters Golf clambake, for recent Yale grads) not only allow but invite women into membership, the rumor that he has declared that the Augusta CEO must go is unfounded, untrue, and unmentionable in any town-hall meeting. POTUS has stated unequivocally that he did not make that demand, did not consider deploying the Georgia National Guard to Augusta, did not bring the matter to the attention of NATO or the UN, and will not do any of the above again. This is not for public assumption on pain of being assigned to Arizona desert towns to knock on adobe doors in the campaign if it is mentioned anywhere, but his statement about Augusta actually was written by FLOTUS account POTUS not being invited to join or even play in the Masters. This subject plays wonderfully with women voters so use it extensively in working the ignorant crowds.

***Do not…repeat – DO NOT – mention anything about POTUS’s remarks about the SCOTUS (Supremies for Princeton grads) not being able legally to overturn stupid legislation. Senator McConnell counted only 169 times SCOTUS has done that, hardly once a year since the nation was formed. That should be proof enough that SCOTUS should not touch the healthcare law…not even once a year has such a thing been done! Besides, POTUS was a lecturer on the Constitution at the University of Chicago Law School, meaning that he knows more about it than anyone (the document, not the school). Also besides, POTUS never mentioned which Constitution or the country upon which he furnished constitutional expertise. If questioned too closely, simply remind folks of this fact and say something like POTUS is an expert on the Zambian Constitution or generic constitutions or constitutions in general.

***Even though Senator Grassley tweeted that POTUS is stupid, at least concerning the U.S. Constitution, this is not to be mentioned in door-to-door canvassing because to do so might remind the ignorant masses that POTUS accused the policeman (white guy, of course) of Cambridge of acting stupidly, soon after he took office. Change any conversation on this subject quickly to the fact that evil republicans have declared war on women and that any woman who thinks Romney is a hunk is stupid in swallowing his line that he has no problem with contraception. Any man who has five children in this age of enlightenment is obviously against contraception and has committed assault and battery against his wife. That’s a felony (something legally mean, for recent Harvard grads, almost as bad as pregnancy or at least as inconvenient since a felony means jail-time). The same goes for Santorum, although he’s finally thrown in the towel.

***Since the Rev. Dr. Jeremiah Wright, to whom POTUS listened for 20 years, recently declared in a West Virginia speech that the God of the Bible and Allah are one and the same, there is to be no discussion about religion in any canvassing or town-hall meetings, at least not while people are still sober. If the subject can’t be avoided, just insist that Jesus was no better than Mohammad, who did little girls and thus was enlightened ahead of his time, and that the Southern Baptists commit spiritual jihad in their evangelization efforts, which makes Islamic jihad an okay thing, too. Under no circumstances…repeat NO circumstances, mention that Islamic evangelization is done on the point of the sword or that Wright and the Rev. Dr. Imam/Mullah/Ayatollah “Calypso Louie” Farrakhan share the same theology, having as its centerpiece the matter of reparations and “death to the infidels,” at least the ones not working to fund those reparations. If the subject of damning America (Wright’s prayer) comes up, carefully explain that the election of Bush, not current POTUS, was the answer to that prayer, but refrain from ever saying “Allah Akbar,” which is what Major Hasan screamed before he did the Ft. Hood massacre but was unlucky enough not to be martyred (only somewhat paralyzed) and transported to the virgins and fellowship with Osama and Saddam and Moammar (if they have time), though Osama committed suicide-by-cop and may not be eligible.

***With the campaign in full swing and the suspicion that many secret service agents are republicans, Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn of Weather Underground fame, the couple who advanced POTUS to the Illinois legislature, may soon be added to the POTUS security detail. They’re both known as haters of police/agents and so will cover POTUS’s back. Ayers is famous for the Viet-era bombings and Dohrn, whose admitted role model is Charles Manson, for occasionally dunking a dog in turpentine and stabbing the family-cat with a dinner fork.

***Be prepared for a negative SCOTUS ruling on POTUS’s healthcare law, the main reason being that no one yet knows what’s in the law, notwithstanding Minority Leader Pelosi’s insistence that everyone would know what’s in it once it was passed and notwithstanding that she has no idea yet, even though it was passed nearly 18 months ago. The SCOTUS law clerks are rumored to have given up on determining what’s in it, and they’ve read it, though it’s been rumored that one of them is still baying at the moon, two have become drunks, and that a fourth froths at the mouth when the law is mentioned. In his West Virginia speech, the Rev. Dr. Wright claimed that POTUS Justice Clarence Thomas worships “some other god” but didn’t say which one, so there’s been a request from the White House for a red/yellow/black/white paper outlining all the possibilities with a view toward possible removal of Thomas from the bench for a Constitutional reason, even though, as POTUS has suggested, the Constitution is passé, an anachronism, and steeped in values unrelated to the twenty-first century. For instance, if the mysterious god should turn out to be Kim Jung Un, the current North Korean deity, treason might be applicable. Whoever submits the best paper will win a new tire-gauge and a year’s supply each of light-bulbs and toilet-paper.

And so it goes.
Jim Clark

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