Wednesday, September 18, 2013

POTUS, V-PO, Jekyll & Hyde

It’s two a.m. in the little office off the Oval Office and POTUS and VPOTUS are meeting with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, referenced hereinafter respectively as P, V, J, and H.

**P: Glad you could make it, guys, I know it’s short…
**J: I say, Edward, did you understand Barry—you don’t mind if I call you Barry, do you, Barry—that we were just addressed as guys…and by a colonist at that?
**P: Sorry about that, Henry—I remember from your last visit in August last year that you said Henry was better than Dr. anything—I just forgot. There’s so much going on these days and…
**V: Yeah, it’s that awful #%&*^@# three-letter word—MESS—around here that’s…
**H: Oh dear Joe, you never change, still dealing in the land of the four-letter words known in the empire as Vulgaria and never having passed fourth-term spelling…oh hahahahaha…
**V: I take that personally, Hyde, and what’s more, I’ll…
**P: Cool it, Joe. It was just Carney and I who met with these gentlemen last year so you don’t know we’re on first-name terms here…
**V: Sheesh…I thought Hyde was the…
**H: The name is Edward, Joe…that’s Edward as in one of our kings who blew the whole monarchy and married a…gasp…colonist…oh the shame…
**V: Tough stuff there, Eddy boy…sheesh…it wasn’t Marilyn Monroe, was it…oh no, she married that ballplayer…Irish guy, of course, with a strange Italian name.
**J: Let’s abscond to the Oval Office, Barry. I keep thinking bad thoughts about the intern thing in this office.
**H: Oh yes. Tell me, Joe, is it true that your Slick Willie…(they exit)…was impeached…
**J: Later, Edward. You sent for us last time for advice on how to handle economics before the election since Mr. Ryan seemed to know more than you or Geithner or anyone else. What is it this time? (They sit)
**H: Ah…so where was that bust of Churchill you sent to the basement or Gitmo…oh…hahahaha…Gitmo…are they still flushing Korans there?
**J: Shame, Edward! Flushing Korans, indeed! He merely means, Barry, that the holy books get grimy occasionally and…
**H: Need to be water-boarded, with their owners attached, of course…hoo hah…water-boarding, how about taking us down to…
**J: Later, Edward. You were about to say, Barry…
**P: Uh…uh…uh…and…uh…a-a-a-n-n-n-d-d-d…
**J: Come, come, Barry. You obviously have been hanging around too long with your dear Jay, who always called you commander-in-chief the last time…to build your confidence, of course.
**H: Oh yes…Jay needed someone to bash him in the head with a …
**J: Stop it, Edward. Excuse Edward…he sometimes get carried away. He merely meant that Jay’s memory needed to be jogged occasionally.
**V: Yeah…about once every #%@^&*# thirty seconds…or maybe a #^%*&# minute, whichever comes first.
**P: It’s the Syria thing, Henry. You and the French carved up that area in the days of empire and so I know you can tell me what to do…bomb the bejesus out of Assad now or wait until after the next Ramadan or the 2014 elections or maybe do a hajj first or…when?
**H: Oh, send Kerry on a hajj, Barry. Mecca is so crowded this time of year. Maybe he could get stomped by that herd of cutthroats and be out of your hair, with all that talk about the Syrians not doing what you said they would, Barry. Ah…those stompings…blood all over the streets, people moaning on their prayer-rugs…martyrs trying to get stabbed and head off for the virgins…
**J: Please, Edward. He simply means that you, Barry, and even you, Joe—come on, wake up, Joe—need to get on the same flat page with John.
**V: That Massachusetts moron! He tries to be another Ted Kennedy…and nobody’s that mean. He thinks because he’s got a lotta hair he’s…
**P: Cool it, Joe. We democrats gotta stand together.
**V: Probably botoxed more’n Pelosi…might break his face in one o’ those longwinded speeches. (laughs uproariously)
**P: So…I know you have all the facts, Henry. I’ve said I would bomb with or without a vote in Congress, so it’s just a matter of when it’ll do the most good politically…I mean you’ve seen one Syrian, you’ve seen ’em all, if you can tell ’em apart, that is, so the gas is not the problem…it’s the politics and right now the pollsters are screwing me with all those fraudulent polls of theirs and making it look like I’m incompetent or something…ME, the great Changer. We won!
**J: What about your deal with Putin, Barry? You said you would be flexible after the election, so show some of that flexibility. Bend over backwards, in other words.
**H: Bend over backwards…like before that fat Saudi prince back in ’09? Oh hoo hah…what a target…an RPG right in the old…hahahahaha
**J: Stop it, Edward. He simply means that a bit of humility might be in order, Barry.
**V: Humility? What’s that. Let’s see, that’s about a #^%$*^# seven-letter word and…
**H: Way beyond your pay-grade, there, Joe.
**P: Look, I can’t go around bare-chested like Putin…he even learned that George Bush swagger that week he spent on Bush’s ranch. I gotta maintain myself as a warrior, like when I conquered Libya and…
**H: Conquered Libya…oh hoo haha…hahahaha…took seven months to get somebody to assassinate Qaddafi and he only had three airplanes and a few tanks to start with…maybe 75,000 troops compared to your 1.5 million. You should have sent the SEALS down there and…
**J: Edward has a point, Barry. Libya made you look like a failed girl-scout leader…but you did better with handling that Operation Wall Street gang. Besides, the Benghazi massacre last year…well, Barry…by the way where WERE you on that night, and who made up that stupid yarn about some creep’s movie about Mohammad and starting all that mayhem? Sending that poor woman out to tell that tale…oh, laughable, especially your “movie” speech at the UN and right before the election, too.
**V: Now wait a #%$&^* minute there, Henry—at least I think it’s Henry—that speech was a big #%$&^*^ deal.
**J: Sorry to disappoint, Barry, but bombing Syria is the same as bombing to smithereens huge caches of Sarin…how much sense does that make? Take Putin’s deal and act like you believe him and Assad. It takes billions of dollars to build plants to defuse that stuff anyway. Just check out your own disposal-program—not to be finished until 2023—and you think Assad’s gas can be neutralized in a year? So what if Assad stays! You didn’t say how long he had to get out back in 2011, so put out a statement giving him a red line for departure…along about 2023, to be safe. Red lines are killers.
**H: Now about that trip to Gitmo, Barry. I can be ready…
**J: Never mind Edward. Time to go! I can stand being in this colony for just so long. Tea Party, indeed!

And so it goes.
Jim Clark

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