Clunker

According to the main propaganda arm of the Obama administration, aka the mainstream media, the “clunker trade-in” program has been a huge success, not only in getting rid of thousands of air-polluting heaps but also by helping the auto industry get back in gear. The fly in the ointment, of course, has been the fact that a lot of folks have traded in their clunkers for Ford and Camrys and other types of cars not made in the companies the government owns – General Motors and Chrysler – but Obama has not complained since he knows that ultimately he will also bankrupt those companies and take them over, too.

Though probably not understanding it, Obama has done one-half of what President Reagan did, to wit, make cash available to the people so they will start buying things and heat up the economy. Reagan did it by lowering taxes; Obama is doing it by giving back the taxes already collected. However, the Big O has not understood the rest of Reagan’s plan, to wit, cut spending. He’s doing just the opposite, meaning that the economic situation will worsen, thus necessitating the need to bankrupt more companies and thus take hold of the manufacturing establishment to do with it what he will.

Even more goodies for the environment could be realized if families were given incentives for not using automobiles at all. Why not bring back the horse-and-carriage days? A carriage and team might cost $5,000 or so, though the rich could have limo-carriages and a team of Clydesdales if they so desired. Not only is hay cheaper than oil, as well as cleaner, but thousands of jobs could be created overnight through hiring folks to keep the streets clean, and the sweepings could be used on the hayfields to produce prodigious amounts of fuel, in the first place. The “clunker” stipend of $4,500 could go a long way in tempting folks down this road.

Since the “clunker boondoggle” has been such a success, perhaps the time has come to use that plan with regard to other items. For instance, why not give a good payment to people for turning in their old electricity-guzzling refrigerators for new fuel-efficient ones? Perhaps a special bonus could be given to those who opt for the old-fashioned iceboxes of yesteryear that used no electricity at all. The ice was fairly cheap then, and the plan would call for the building of icehouses again, creating more jobs. After all, what could be cheaper than water? A relatively small amount of electricity could be used to make ice for a whole town, instead of greedy, spoiled citizens using more than their share…just for convenience.

Even more jobs could be created by the use of deliverymen to handle the 25- to 100-pounds of ice-cubes, as was once the case. In addition, instead of using gas-guzzling trucks for delivery purposes, mules and horses could once again be pressed into service. What could be cheaper than hay? And…it can be homegrown, not imported from some Arab country that means us harm.

Clunker power-lawnmowers that eat up thousands of gallons of gas and pollute the air with noxious fumes as well as hay-fever-causing green-stuff that makes the eyes tear-up and the nose become a waterfall could be traded in for new push-mowers that use no gas at all, just the muscles of people who ought to be exercising, anyway, the better to defeat obesity and live longer. What could be more enticing than that? The old mowers didn’t flay the grass into powder that causes uncontrollable sneezing, just clipped it neatly. The only downside, of course, is that pushing the things actually causes perspiration…SWEAT! Since convenience is the watchword, this idea won’t fly, since manual mowing takes a bit longer and does make the underarms an undesirable location, sniff-wise.

Of course, people without the resources even to trade in a clunker-car or clunker-refrigerator or clunker-power-mower (throw in weed-eaters and power saws, too) are left to eat cake. So…what’s fair about that? Nothing, of course! But who said that life is fair? The question has to do with what one can trade in to do his part for his country, not with what machines can demand in exchange for un-green sinfulness and green-greed. Perhaps a “clunker clause” will be added to the Bill of Rights. If so, it will be the sanest thing this Congress has done or will do. As it stands, most citizens would like to trade in a “clunker-Congress-Administration” for the population of the chimp colony of the Cincinnati Zoo, thus gaining enough gravitas to save the nation.

And so it goes.

Jim Clark