It’s late afternoon in a well-appointed guesthouse owned by a rich Pakistani merchant in the Swat Valley. Seated around a large hookah are al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, hereinafter referenced as O, M, and A, respectively, if not respectfully.
**O: So, Mahmoud...praise Allah for this hookah with poppies...are you still throwing people in jail and cutting off a few heads...oh...hoo, hah...mobs in the streets...all that gore...
**A: Not funny, Osama...Allah be disgusted with this ridicule...I can keep order in Tehran. The last time I visited, you and that nutcase al Zawahiri...Allah pronounce a divine fatwa on that Sunni pig...were in a cave with the latrine flowing under your prayer-rug and bats flying through your...
**M (reaching for an AK-47): Not funny yourself, you Shiite camels’ derriere...Allah deny him the virgins when I...
**O: Put it down, Omar, there’s been enough fighting between us Sunnis and Mahmoud’s Shiites...Allah be grieved at our bloodthirsty piety...we need to do something about this new American president and those new troops he’s sending to bedevil us...
**M: Oh...hoo, hah...the new president of one year...they call him Obamessiah...is so busy separating the progressives from the democrats from the republicans from the Tea Party gang...Allah grant them all a plague of rabid bats from the clouds...that he forgot he said he would end this war and the one in Iraq and...
**A: Bah! He’s been meddling in Iran, too, inciting those crazy college kids high on McDonalds quarter-pound hamburgers and spouting some such foolish thing as freedom of assembly that...Allah curse the U.S. Constitution for its evil influence...that I may be forced to close the big Mc and make them eat lamb chops.
**M: Did you say hamburger, Mahmoud? Allah be not blasphemed...eating ham?
**A: Of course not. I would cut off a hand – maybe both hands – without a trial if they were doing such a thing...Allah, give them guidance. The cursed hamburgers are actually made of beef, but they eat them to throw their ridicule at the religion, the young fools, knowing that Ayatollah Khomeini and I are not going to give them what they deserve.
**M: But some of them go to jail and just disappear...right, Mahmoud?
**A: They don’t just disappear, Mullah Omar...they simply aren’t seen again...Allah be avenged for their blasphemy against the state!
**O: Back to the subject...Allah give us help in getting the Americans out!
**M: I should say so, Osama. It’s bad enough that you got us into this mess...Allah forgive his foolishness. Sending those planes into those buildings might have sounded great then but I leave here tonight to head back to the caves in the South, so high up in the mountains that my nose bleeds...and my wives nag me constantly! And every time I step out into daylight one of those accursed drones takes my picture and drops a bomb. Do you remember my fine house in Kandahar, with a room for each wife so they don’t fight all the time?
**O: But we killed 3,000 infidels, Omar...that should count for something. Besides, we’ve even had bombers on two planes, one just last Christmas...hoo, hah, their holy day.
**A: Bah, Osama! Two nutcases that couldn’t even set off what’s little more than a large firecracker...Allah forgive their stupidity. They’re both in jail now, probably singing like birds. Imagine...not even smart enough to blow up his own skivvies...a college graduate at that! No Shiite would be that dumb...a Nigerian Muslim...bah!
**O: Not so fast, Mahmoud. The Obamessiah has decreed that water-boarding is out, as well as torture...so no singing, and that idiot will get the best lawyer money can buy and the best judge money can buy and the best prosecutor money can buy. His old man owns a bank. In America, buying an official is always the way to go. Look at the health-care bill the Congress has just...oh...hoo, hah, buying the votes in their own party! Allah be doubly amused!
**M: What’s this I hear about Sheik Khalid getting ready for the big trial in...Allah give him a sermon...what they call the Big Apple?
**O: Khalid is learning the speeches he will make in the courtroom, Omar. He was educated in North Carolina, as you know...Allah bring fire down on the crackers...so he is able to put the whole U. S of A. on trial.
**A: But he’s already confessed to what they call 9/11, Osama. Why should they try him at all?
**O: As much time as you’ve spent making speeches at the UN, Mahmoud, and you don’t know the American system? As soon as he found that he would go to New York, he un-confessed...hoo, hah...only in America could that happen. We would have beheaded him by sundown for such a crime, but the Americans need at least 15 years to do a death penalty. Khalid eats well, sleeps well, and will quote the Constitution every day...he has it memorized. He will make fools of them all, besides bankrupting the city just in police overtime alone. The appeals will go on for...
**A: Until I bring in the glorious Twelfth Imam to rule forever...after starting the big war the Christians call Armageddon...I’m having the Grand Mosque finished as we speak...a-a-a-n-n-d-d-d...(falls asleep)
**M: Is Mahmoud having another vision like the one he had in that UN speech? Allah help him!
**O: Of course not, Mullah Omar! It’s the poppies...I myself feel a l-i-i-t-t-l-l-e-z-z-z...
**M: Oh well, my strict Islamic faith keeps me f-f-f-r-r-o-o-m-m-m...now about the A-a-a-m-m-e-e-r-r-i-z-z-z-z...(deep snores all around)
And so it goes.
Jim Clark
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