Thursday, December 02, 2010

Osama, the Mullah & Mahmoud

It’s late afternoon in a cave near the Kyber Pass. Seated around a large hookah are al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, hereinafter referenced as O, M, and A, respectively, but not respectfully.

**O: Haven’t seen you for a while Mahmoud, praise Allah for good tidings of great joy which shall…
**M: You’ve been reading the Bible again, Osama…Allah, forgive this fool…
**O: I got tired of Dr. Seuss, Mohammed, and there was nothing else here…anyway, I’ll flush it as soon as I get to the part about the three Muslims and the star, praise Allah for more modern transportation today. Have you ever ridden a camel, Mahmoud?
**A: Allah be ashamed of these Sunni heretics! (ducks behind a boulder) Wait, Mohammed, nothing personal…take that AK-47 out of my eye. I meant the bad heretics – Karzai’s gang that never shoots straight…always high on the poppies his brother supplies. By the way, you wouldn’t have a little extra…
**M: That’s not poppies in the hookah, Mahmoud. Praise Allah for Marlboros…that’s tobacco and I’ll trade it only for some fresh figs.
**A: I thought good Sunnis didn’t use tobacco or eat pork but I think I smelled bacon as I approached the cave.
**O: Bah, Mahmoud! Mohammed is a Mullah, praise Allah for saving his one good eye…and he makes his own rules. You Shiites are so hopped up on stoning women that…
**A: And you, Mohammed…Allah forgive him…won’t let little girls go to school and your soldiers can’t read or drive trucks or…
**M: Enough! (fires a round into the cave-roof)
**O: Now see what you’ve done, Mohammed…Allah forgive him…bat entrails are in my hair and the latrine is overflowing again…look at my prayer rug, it’s…
**A: I’m deep in smelly stuff, Mohammed…Allah be not sniffing…how could you…just like my trip here in January when I told you to get ready for the Grand Imam, the Twelfth Mahdi.
**M: Bah! You and your Shiite babblings! We need to get down to business. What brings you here, Mahmoud…and it had better be good since I’m missing the American delayed TV-soaps?
**A: It’s the WikiLeaks thing, comrades…Allah be ashamed of Muslims for what has appeared in this garbage. Imagine King Abdullah…Allah give his bones no healing in America or wherever he is…begging the Americans to carry out a fatwa on me, putting me in the same low-class scum as Rushdie, who writes pages about things such as his lover’s pubic hair. He should still have a fatwa on him.
**O: You don’t say, Mahmoud! What book would that be…not that I’d be interested, of course?
**M: Not to worry, Mahmoud. The American president, the Obamessiah they call him…hoo hah…will not do that, even though he bowed before the king last year…praise Allah. He was born as one of us but – come to think of it – I don’t know if he’s Sunni or Shiite.
**O: He’s fighting us, Mohammed, so that makes him Shiite…unless he’s Kurdish or Wahabbi, of course, like the fat princes in Riyadh. If he’s Shiite…Allah strike him with a thousand scorpions…we must watch him, and you, Mahmoud – wipe that silly grin off your face – had better be careful what you say, especially in private.
**A: Why is that, Osama?
**O: The WikiLeak papers say Clinton tells her diplomats to spy on all other diplomats, especially at the UN and in embassies. You should hear what the one in Turkey said about the Turk foreign minister, right on the day he met with her…hahahahaha…Allah feel the joy! You should hear what the cables say about that worm Karzai!
**M: Oh hoo hah! That’s better than Jimmy Carter calling Tony Blair compliant and subservient to the USA…and he was in England when he said it. Allah be amused! Of course, he could have forgotten what country he was in. Maybe he thought he was in France. The Frenchies don’t like anyone.
**A: Don’t take it the wrong way, Osama, but your shoe- and skivvy-bombers are either too dumb or they have second thoughts about that promise of the 72 virgins. And the one with all the bombs in his SUV in Times Square…hahahahaha…he pushed the button and made only smoke.
**O: Oh hoo hah, but we’re winning, Mahmoud. Maybe those guys had never worn shoes or underwear and hadn’t been trained how to…but just try getting through an American airport now. Everybody’s underwear is on display…hahahahaha…Allah be not mortified but amused! I love the scan-pictures on American TV, especially those skeletons of women. Just a little imagination and…
**M: Stop that lewdness, Osama. Remember, I’m a mullah…the power of life and death! I would gouge out one eye for that remark since it would be better to go one-eyed into heaven than to…
**A: A-A-R-R-G-G-H-H…that’s the Bible, Mohammed. The virgins are in Paradise. Remember!
**M: Like Osama said, there’s nothing to read here and…
**O: Even worse, no pictures…Allah, forgive the whining but I’ve been in these damnable caves for nine long years now and…
**M: You need to pray more than five times a day, Osama.
**O: I do but I just found out that the compass Chavez gave me as a gift for the 9/11 massacre points to Caracas as true north and I’ve been praying toward the North Pole and the evil Santa Claus instead of Mecca and Allah.
**A: You would have been praying toward the evil Abdullah in Mecca, Osama, as well as Allah, so try getting a new compass…may Allah reform your ignorance! But what should we do about the WikiLeaks thing before it gets out of hand and starts a war somewhere?
**M: Especially a war in Iran…eh, Mahmoud? Maybe you should invite the Secretary Clinton in for an afternoon tea. That might give her a shove toward unseating the Obama in 2012. By the way, why haven’t you met with him…Allah be disappointed at such intransigence! He said no preconditions.
**A: Bah! I have made the preconditions this time and he’s refused to see me. He offered me three prisoners from Gitmo for a meeting but I’m holding out. He offered that little government in the South Pacific mega-millions of dollars to take the Chinese Muslims off his hands…oh hahahahaha…Chinese Muslims. Whoever heard of Chinese Muslims? Praying toward the east for them would be praying toward the evil Obama…impossible!
**O: Do to WikiLeaks what you always do, Mahmoud, when you have a problem…Allah give him wisdom.
**A: And exactly how would you behead the Internet, Osama? I can’t even give it a thorough stoning and nobody can find the WikiLeaks devil…he’s on the lam, as the crazy Americans say, for rape and sexual abuse in Sweden. Maybe you could offer him a cave where they could never find him, Osama, and then I could…
**O: Only if he can bring pictures…maybe from those airport scanners…

And so it goes.
Jim Clark


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