Friday, September 14, 2012

Romney-gate Plotters

The setting is a conference call set up by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, connecting ABC’s Jake Tapper, NBC/MSNBC’s Chuck Todd and Lawrence O’Donnell, and retired CBS newsman Dan Rather, recently recalled by CBS to cover the campaigns for president of Obama and Romney. Hereinafter, they will be referenced as J, C, L, and D, respectively.

**J: Did Wolf tell any of you guys why he wanted us to have this conflab? I’ve got enough to do without being bothered by the guy who lets John Sununu run on and on sometimes for as long as 30 seconds without interrupting…disgraceful!

**C: He phoned Andrea and explained that he was sure I might turn this down and would she mind explaining how important it is that we get our act together for Romney’s press conference tomorrow. So I called you and Dan.

**D: You sure he didn’t just ask Andrea to do this and she turned him down, huh, there, Chuck…sort of made you second choice…hoo-hah, second choice…

**L: Knock it off, Dan. Wolf knows that every Thursday evening is set aside by Andrea and Alan so they can count up the Greenspan green for the week. They call it Federal Reserve Redux! She couldn’t make it tonight with all that loot to…

**J: So…Wolf is too much commentator and not enough reporter for the job and wants us to do the dirty work while he sits around over there and strokes that awful beard. What color is it this week, by the way?

**D: Aw, don’t be catty, there, Jakie…

**C: Catty, huh! I remember the time back in the day when you came on the set with hair so bright red that the camera guys put on shades. You didn’t make it back for a week, tryin’ to get that red out…hahahahaha… (all laugh except Rather)

**D: Okay, we’ve had our fun. I’m the senior guy here so I guess I’ll chair this little…

**L: You’re outnumbered I’ll bet, Dan, but let’s just take a vote…we’ve got two to one from just our outfit.

**J: Yeah…never mind the vote, though. I’m throwin’ in with the NBC gang, Dan, and I’ll just volunteer to run this clambake.

**L: No way, Jake! I can see you teaming up with Dan now for gridlock against Chuck and me, just like in the Congress, so let’s just do odd-man-out. (Rather wins) Let me see that coin, Dan…it didn’t maybe come from the Texas Air National Guard bank account, did it…hoo-hah!

**D: Not funny, Larry! Not a damn bit funny…just like you were never funny when you tried to be funny on that miserable McLaughlin Group every Friday…you and Buchanan snarling at each other, with Buchanan snarling you under the table every time.

**L: (slight frothing at the mouth) If you’d like to meet me at the Mall tomorrow, Dan, we’ll just…

**J: Okay…that’s enough. We’re all honorable men here, so let’s get down to business. What’s the game here, Dan? How can we smear Romney and make sure Barry gets…

**C: Barry??? So now you’re on a first-name basis with the big guy, Jake. You know how that compromises you, I guess. Do you get in on the roundup every morning with Carney…you know, along with Stephanopolous and CNN and Matthews…to set the day’s agenda?

**J: Naw. You know better than that. I’m just a hired hand, same as you, Chuck. Georgie-boy is usually my highly placed official…egad, if they ever put us under oath…

**D: Back to business, guys. Romney hurt our man over that Libya thing, sounding all patriotic and claiming that free speech angle – works every time with the great unwashed…

**L: Hate to mention it but ol’ Par-breaker-claimer didn’t help matters when he flew off to sin-city for that big speech, with our guys all shot to hell and the embassy on fire in Libya…

**C: Yeah, they’re still laughing over at our affiliate in Las Vegas, and the conservative talk-radio guys are playing tapes of the Big O’s command to everybody not to go to Las Vegas and go broke in 2010 (all laughing) with Dingy Harry running the Senate and running for reelection from – you guessed it – Sin City! What a back-stabber!

**L: Watch it, Chuck…I may be your best friend but that remark came close to racist and…by the way, Dan, that Crawford gal from your outfit and the guy from NPR – Shapiro? – what were they thinking when they got caught on that open mike plotting how to trip up Romney in his next news conference? (wild laughter) You’d think they just got off the boat…

**D: Just got off the boat, just got off the boat, you got any idea how racist that is, Larry, JUST GOT OFF THE BOAT…sheesh

**L: Stop shouting, Dan, two kids just walked by and started screaming and running. Even over the phone, you try to intimidate…like that time you bragged about deep-sixing Bush-41 in 1988 on your nightly news gig and the old man stuck it to you over that six-minute hiatus you took when CBS gave women’s tennis priority over you and the Pope in Miami and CBS went dead – old temper- tantrum-Dan…hoo-hahahahaha…

**D: I was set up on that deal, Larry. But back to the subject! How about we just dig up some dirt…you know, maybe discover he went to strip joints when he was a missionary in Paris, something juicy? That kinda question would shake up even me and I’m known for…

**J: We tried that already…guy’s as clean as a hound’s tooth. We even tried to get Sam Donaldson in on it but he shouted back that he’d been ignored lately by ABC – especially on Sunday morning…mad as…

**D: How about his religion? That’s always good for something…maybe an Elmer Gantry charge…nothing juicier than that. He was a bishop of some kind for a while.

**L: Don’t even think about it! We took God all the way out of the Democrat Convention a few days ago…you want to remind people about religion? You crazy or something? The guy taking the vote had to lie to get God back in…made all the Muslims and homosexuals mad as…

**C: Speaking of which, didn’t you watch that ceremony at Andrews when those bodies were brought back from Libya? Hillary and the commander-in-chief couldn’t say “God” enough. They even had two prayers and the band didn’t exactly play There’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight. Stay off the religion thing. A lot of folks think the Big O’s a Muslim anyway.

**D: I got it. Why don’t I dig up a genuine document that proves Romney dodged the draft? I could get into the right office in Michigan…naw, that’s too much trouble. I got this guy who can make a facsimile document about anything, with the right date, signatures, everything to make it look authentic. After all, it’s the perception that matters, not the truth.

**J: That didn’t work out too well the last time you tried that back in 2004, did it?

**D: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from that, it’s to profit from mistakes. I got the right guy this time and no typewriters are in the picture – all state-of-the-art stuff…can’t miss.

**J: Sounds good enough for me. (click)

**C: I’m on. (click)

**L: (click)

**D: H-m-m-m. Happy days are here again. (click)

And so it goes.
Jim Clark

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