Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Obama, Pentagon & Climate

Participating in a conference call in Washington are President Obama, Defense Department Secretary Hagel, Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Dempsey, and climate expert Al Gore, hereinafter referenced as O, H, D, and G, respectively.

**O: The Peruvian president...can't think of his name right off, some Latino-sounding thing...just said in that meeting with you in that Chilean SPA, Chuck, that if we didn't change the climate soon nothing will be left – Right?
**H: Right...nothing left, right, left, right...
**O: That was 50 years ago, Chuck, when Kerry said we killed 200,000 Vietnamese a year...remember?
**H: O yeah, I was there...sorry about that...the drill goes through my head once in a while.
**D: Now, about this problem with ISIS, Mr. President, I...
**O: Okay, gotcha there, General, but we need to get on this climate thing...I mean if a guy can be elected president of Peru he's bound to be onto something, so we need to pay attention before he turns the OAS against us for not caring if...
**G: You got that right, Mr. President. The average height of the Andes is just 13,000 feet so you can see what an increase in ocean-depth might do.
**O: Right, Al...I doubt if there's a golf course anywhere near those mountains, which explains, Chuck and Martin, why I invited Al to this meeting. I promised change when I came to Washington and climate-change is part of that and, as you know, Al has a Nobel...
**G: You're too modest, Barry, everyone knows you have that climate Nobel, too, and didn't even have to share it like I did with that IPCC bunch of cutthroats throwing the whole scheme away with their stupid emails admitting to cooking the books.
**O: Yeah...ruined that speech I – or somebody had written one for me...been five years now – had at Copenhagen, all teleprompted and ready. I was all set to apologize to the whole world because we had three times too many cars in this country and...
**H: Let me just mention, Mr. President...about those soldiers we just sent to Liberia...or was it Sierra Leone...well, anyway, some of their folks are complaining about them coming home all infected with that ebola and...
**O: Chuck, if there's one thing I learned in community-organizing it was to establish priorities and stick with them. Now, this meeting's about important things like climate-change so we'll worry about some jayvee infection later. Ebola's been around for years in one form or another.
**D: While we're stopped here sorta, Mr. president, Ms. Rice just announced that Turkey's on board with their airfield but Erdogan has the same as called her a liar, so we need...
**O: That'll do, Martin, I don't ever want that word used in connection with Susan even if she did misspeak on those talk-shows. Just because Fox News made an issue of it doesn't mean...
**H: (nodding up from a doze) Did somebody say Fox News? That reminds me that their guy over there is givin' us hell for not...
**O: Gentlemen, back to the subject! Al, what do you foresee in the near future?
**H: Yeah, all the experts have been agreeing that no global warming has happened in the last 17 years but I took your word, Al, and had a hundred thousand fatigues made in the thinnest cotton around and I got soldiers freezing half-to-death on a short three-mile march.
**G: It's hard to be out front anymore. The Brits won't let my film be shown in schools until the teacher says it's political and not scientific. Everybody knows we're killing the earth, just like that Peruvian guy said...all these typhoons and hailstorms and...
**O: I've done my part with your idea, Al – cap-and-trade...break up these coal-burners, bankrupt 'em...can't get my Senate to go along...my House – bless Pelosi – went along without reading a word of that bill but the Senate...MY Senate has it...
**G: I know the feeling, Barry, but just do what everybody expects...get out that old executive-order pen and kill those climate-killers.
**H: Okay, that's settled...the old executive order thing, the courts and the Congress be damned! Now, are we gonna send the Airborne to...
**O: I will NOT be sidetracked, Chuck. You came awfully close to insubordination there. I need tangible plans for changing the climate and I expect you and Martin to have them on my desk by tomorrow. Valerie Jarrett doesn't like you military types to start with and Michele didn't change her mind about you when she became proud of the U.S. back in 2008, so don't push the envelope...plus...tell your guys to quit saluting me every time I turn around. I'm tired of all the hassle with bothering to return them since Fox News and John McCain watch my every move.
**D: What kind of climate do you have in mind, Mr. President? Hot, cold, medium, rainy, snowy...
**O: Look! I set the policy...you carry it out. Figure it out. Al here will help you, won't you, Al? Al? AL? AL?
**G: A little to the left, honey...now rub around my fifth vertebra in that monster muscle...that's so...z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z

And so it goes.
Jim Clark

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