Monday, August 13, 2012

POTUS, Jekyll & Hyde

It’s just past one a.m. in the little room off the Oval Office and Dr. Jekyll and his alter ego Mr. Hyde are meeting with POTUS and his press czar, Jay Carney, hereinafter referenced as J, H, P, and C, respectively, if not necessarily respectfully.

**P: Now that we’re…

**J: I say, Edward, do you suppose this upstart colonist never learns?

**P: Oh…I forgot, Henry. (turning to Carney) Step into the Oval Office, Jay, and get it ready. Remember, these guys threatened to leave in January if we met in this…

**H: Ah yes…this den of iniquity as so desecrated by the your Slick William and the intern. I say, did William ever get around to shutting her up for good…maybe a strangulation with one of the strings from the piano in the East Room…eyes bulging, Hillary wondering at the noise…

**J: Edward…really! (turns to P) He watched another rerun of the Godfather on the plane and…but what he actually means is that a president should exert strict discipline, especially on feisty interns. (Carney returns and they leave for the Oval Office)

**H: Egad, Henry, do I see Styrofoam cups again…and no tea, not that we appreciate being reminded of tea anyway…that Boston Harbor uprising among the peasants, and now that dreadful tea party. But we were right in January about there being no American Spring…right Barry?

**P: You were right and we made it through the Operation Wall Street uprising…

**J: Barry, we are not guys. That sounds so…well, thuggish. We’re gentlemen of the highest water and…by the way, if we don’t see some porcelain in the next five minutes…

**P: Sorry about that Henry. I just forgot…awful tough game of golf today…shot a 109 but, of course, a 75 for the newspapers. Jay, go below and get a ration of grog and some crumpets and…

**C: I’ll try, commander-in-chief, but I think the galley crew has gone on liberty.

**H: Grog, crumpets and he calls you c-in-c, Barry! He was doing that in January, too. Do you plan to engage the presidential yacht in broadsides at the republicans?

**P: It’s navy-month again, Edward, like it was in January. Each service is used once every four months for lingo and whatever else applies. I’m trying to learn something about the military in this election year. Jay doesn’t call me c-in-c in public but everyone does in private. It builds my confidence. The Joint Chiefs Chairman doesn’t like it but he follows orders.

**J: Confidence my John Bull lapel pin, Barry! Hahahahaha…it feeds your ego.

**H: Since it’s navy month you might keelhaul the JCC, Barry…right out there in the Potomac! Pipe all hands to the Rose Garden and…

**J: Really, Edward! He just means that you’re doing your job well when you make examples of the crew, Barry. But…keelhaul…I think not, Barry. The peasants might arise.

**H: I got it, Barry – water-board the bloke down at the CIA Farm. Nobody will know. I’d like to watch.

**J: Stop it, Edward. Since Barry sent the bust of Churchill back to the queen on his first day in office the CIA hasn’t liked us, or the FBI, or the DEA, or maybe even the NEA. (Carney returns with some libations and cookies)

**C: Sorry about the mismatched cups, Commander-in-Chief, but the galley gang was gone and these doughnuts were all I could find.

**H: The recession is worse than I thought, Henry. Imagine serving doughnuts to guests! And these look as if they’ve been in a corn-hole game, at that. I’ll take a pass, Jay, and guard against gastric upsets…you know, Washington’s revenge, oh hahahahaha…

**J: I say, Barry, just why did you invite us this time, not that I don’t know, of course, because we’re always right.

**P: I need advice for my campaign. Romney’s just picked this Ryan guy as his running mate and Ryan knows more about economics than even the Treasury secretary.

**J: Which is to say that by comparison you don’t know a treasury bill from a gas bill, Barry. That must be why you’re dodging the jobs issue by telling all the old codgers Ryan means to let them die so they’ll be scared into voting for old Moneybags Barry and keep their Medicare…

**H: Which you’ve already cut by hundreds of billions, Barry, and Ryan will out you for that and make the old folks dissolve into weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. You need to get a special ops bloke to off Ryan and – VOILA – problem solved…old AK-47 to the rescue.

**J: What Edward means, of course, Barry, is that Ryan must simply be neutralized, you know…Chicago style. Dig up some dirt.

**C: Uh…uh…uh…uh…

**J: Mr. Carney, I’ve watched your press conferences and you use that term quite often. What precisely does it mean?

**C: Well…uh, that is…I mean…Ryan’s as clean as a hounds tooth, as we say in…as we say in…

**P: Jay means we’ve tried for months to dig up dirt on Ryan and can’t find anything.

**H: Can’t find anything? Can’t find any dirt on a politician…any politician? Impossible!

**J: Well then, Barry, you’ll just have to borrow one of those Hollywood screenwriters who love you so much and tell him to write up some solid dirt on Ryan, then put it on the teleprompter and…

**H: I know just the subject, Barry. Tie him to that girl who’s been campaigning with you. What’s her name? I remember, it’s Fluke, the girl whose friends are all losing their significant others because they can’t afford enough condoms to keep them and their guys happy, something you think should be fixed, maybe by your healthcare bill. O-o-o-o-oh…the scandal…

**J: Why yes, Edward. You’re right. She told all those people in the hearing in Congress that the poor girls were unable to keep their minds on their subjects…a sort of mental illness caused by condom-denial…post-condom-traumatic-stress-disorder.

**H: Then you can become the tough condommander-in-chief and arm the ladies with…oh hahahahaha…

**P: How does that sound, Jay? Can you handle that in a press conference?

**C: Uh…uh…uh…uh…

**J: Come, Edward, let us leave. I’ve never been able to stand it for very long in the colonies.

And so it goes.
Jim Clark

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