Transition Is for Every ID

The phenomenon that has most impacted the century-21 culture can be termed as simply “trans”...trans-anything. Lately, the most notorious trans-event has been the transitioning of Bruce Jenner into Caitlin Jenner, i.e., total sex-replacement (gender-replacement for the feminists), though not by the usual transplant procedure. Jenner didn't swap his reproductive organs for a set of women's – could that be done? – but simply settled for neutering, artificially-built accoutrements such as boobs, and rather drastic physical cosmetics to be adjusted by over-the-counter cosmetics, the better to look more womanish and less freakish. The handiwork of the medical magicians and makeup artists was spread through 22 pages of a recent magazine installment so the public could see how advanced both professions are in defeating (they think) Nature. The whole thing represents total disingenuousness, however, since Caitlin can't have children and is thus not actually a woman. At age 65, she/he would not be bothered with this anyway, which represents a Jenner cop-out in that she/he can never identify with pregnancy or birth pains, thus making the whole matter into a publicity stunt that will probably garner millions for Jenner as books and movies, not to mention the priceless porn in the magazine, are derived from the process.

Trans-anything these days represents a market for new entitlements. Students in some school systems who claim to be transgenders are now allowed to choose their own bathroom and locker/shower-room du jour, depending on whether they feel male or female on a given day or, as the Q element of LGBTQ signifies, haven't made up their minds (gender-challenged, perhaps), in which case they might sneak outside. Forcing them to use a bathroom at all is an infringement on rights to privacy, meaning that if they go off-building, all other students and potential spectators must be required by law to “look the other way” or face arrest. Students opting for this method of relief can simply press an alarm activator that will signal all-eyes-closed for two minutes, at least in the proximity of the area to be used. Since the only evidence necessary to prove transgender status is simply the word of the transgender him/herself, the new entitlement is an absolute godsend for the voyeur of either sex...er, gender (to make the feminists happy). There's no such thing as sex for feminists except maybe unisex...or uni-gender, about either of which one must not giggle lest he take a chance on perpetrating a hate-crime, giggles being a form of verbal abuse.

And then there's the recent widely circulated account concerning a local white NAACP official who declared herself (and has made herself to appear) black, notwithstanding irrefutable proof provided by her parents especially in pictures and via birth certificate, that she's white. This, of course, means a new category of transition—trans-pigmentation. There's no reason why the government should object to paying for procedures that make people comfortable in their own skins—that old entitlement to the pursuit of happiness thing—as declared in the Declaration. Just wearing uncoordinated colors is bad enough but the trauma of living in a skin of the wrong color is unthinkable, and doctors who can rearrange folks sexually (or genderally) should have little trouble turning white people black, brown, or chartreuse, for that matter, and vice versa. This would be a bonanza for dermatologists, who nevertheless should be careful with injections or pills lest someone turn out purple or (gasp) polka-dotted. Lawyers could become zillionaires overnight handling the resulting lawsuits, which would bankrupt medical-insurance companies or simply raise premiums astronomically, or both.

Obamacare should cover such a sensitive issue concerning the welfare of the people. After all, didn't the president tweet Caitlin and express his admiration for her bravery? He said she struck a blow for LGBT rights, though that raises the question of whether or not Jenner switched from homosexual to lesbian or straight-to-straight or straight to lesbian or...whatever. Caitlin will probably get the freedom medal or some such accolade before Obama leaves office, though he will not award it account of pigment-change but for the far more fundamental reason, change-of-race—as he would say—period! He is the best example of this reasoning, to wit, though he is half-white (with some of it Irish, of course), he never references himself other than African American, obviously his chosen race. Indeed, one wonders if he might sign an executive order designating the entire population as, if not African American, at least black, perhaps making the U.S. the largest minority in the world, but the president would never do something so racist. The Constitution, though dissed occasionally by Obama, would not allow that anyway since in Century-XXI everything from tattoos to tank-top messages like “Live and Let Love” is a form of speech.

So...trans-racer persons should have the right to change races, and this would not even require a name-change. Indeed, on the basis of his immigration policies (whatever they are at the moment), the president might just as soon be Latino. The medical profession should be able to handle this, though there might be problems with people who are both transgender and trans-racer. To keep costs down, a complete do-over might be possible in just one procedure, though a slip of the scalpel might eventuate in dire circumstances, such as a white transgender/trans-racer man being changed into a black lesbian but account OR mistakes winding up as a bald Chinese lady with a mustache.

This leads inexorably to the mother of all transitions, designed for a person who is trans-species. A bright veterinarian and a bright medical doctor should be able to pool their mnemonic resources and come up with a way to change a person into a dog or maybe a cat or even a fish for those who love to scuba-dive. A trans-species person is one who is uncomfortable in his/her skin and is convinced that he/she is some sort of animal or bird or reptile...the possibilities are out of sight. Such a procedure could also be designed to concomitantly change gender so that a male white guy could become a female pit-bull or a black lady could become an albino homosexual orangutan. The possibilities are endless. The same procedure might be done in reverse but for the fact that animals can't give consent in writing to changing, for instance, from a rattlesnake into a democrat, its natural human counterpart.

Some transitioning takes place with little or no outside help at all, though it usually occurs with parts of the soul/body/psyche/whatever, and not the whole. For instance, in 2001, the mind of Vermont Senator James Jeffords (RIP) changed from 26-year republican to democrat in just a few months after being reelected, thus giving the Senate leadership to Tom Daschle, his partner in crime. In the short time between 2008 and 2012, the mind of President Obama transitioned (evolved, according to BHO) from affirming marriage as only a man-woman thing to being a man-man thing and may still be transitioning, so look out for a new “evolution,” perhaps eventuating in arrangements such as marriage being a communal thing affirming transgenders, trans-racers and even trans-species folks, all in the name of the god DIVERSITY. Home locations could be the White House, Statehouse, any house or the zoo.

In a country so jaded after only 226 or so years resulting in exceptionally free and prosperous existence that transitioning is its collective obsession and tour de force, perhaps the time has come for the nation to be transitioned to colony-status so it can have the thrill of starting all over again. Nations could vie for the opportunity to be the new evil empire, taking over all but especially the U.S. military assets (like ISIS does) in order to keep the new colony down. What a new history that would be!

And so it goes.
Jim Clark