From the office of the chairWOMAN, 18 April 2013
***Listen up! There are no apologies offered for the absence of memos since January. This has been a terribly busy time for the chairWOMAN, what with the reelection of the change-master and the nominating of new Cabinet secretaries. As is obvious, the nasty rumor that she has been politicking for a cabinet position is wrong and she will not do that again. There’s been little time for the chairWOMAN to be occupying her seat in the House, as well, but neither the Senate nor the House is doing anything these days, so what else is new?
***As you know, the term “terrorism” was stricken from all government documents, correspondence, speeches, etc., years ago and replaced by the term “man-caused disasters.” POTUS has directed that the term “terrorism” may be used again in light of the Marathon-bombing, but only temporarily. As soon as the bomber has been identified, and assuming he will be an angry White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Male, the term “terrorism” will be reinstated. Caution: Do not use “terrorism” anyway since it offends POTUS.
***In the same vein, the National Football League is preparing a suit against the government account the term “man-caused disaster” is discriminatory, insensitive, and comprises a sort of racism. The league is also suing the lady-sportswriter who categorized the NFL as a training-ground for terrorists, noting that it fosters more concussions per capita than any Muslim country that sponsors terrorism, which is about all of them. POTUS has taken no position on this but VPOTUS has made it clear that it’s a big #^%$&^%%^&* deal and that women should rise up and fight, but not in the NFL.
***It was mentioned in the last memo that POTUS is considering instituting a Department of Gender. The DNC has been requested to furnish a red/yellow/black/white paper on the advantages and disadvantages, though anyone at DNC finding disadvantages concerning women will be sent to the Durbin Re-indoctrination Center & Gulag for re-orientation to liberalism. The LGBTQ crowd is on board, though it has not yet decided how many genders there are. Account VPOTUS’s extraordinary interest in the well-being of women, Sandra Fluke is lobbying legislators on behalf of awarding free double-barrel-shotguns to all women above the age of twelve, as well as two per day of the super-slimy-fail-safe-exotic condoms featuring the two-second automatic-unrolling feature for overwhelming passion-attack panic.
***POTUS has requested help with speeches to be used in his capacity as Griever-in-Chief. He has decided to make an appearance at any location in which there have been multiple killings, except for Chicago since in that case he would have to move back home (little joke there). He has made it clear that guns are to be accused as killers, not people. So, be advised that any submission must not blame any human – even Muslim jihadists, assuming they’re human – for any massacre or even a single killing. Former C-of-S Sunstein has suggested that guns should be provided with lawyers, as well as animals, but do not approach this matter. Also, a griever-speech for Benghazi has been ruled out. After all, there were only four killed there and this new policy was not in force then.
***The rumor that POTUS’s dear friend, confidant and political supporter Bill Ayers had something to do with the Marathon bombing is patently untrue and Ayers has insisted that he would not plan such a thing again. His background with the Weather Underground domestic terrorists of yesteryear, which blew up government buildings and shot at people (thankfully not when sober or LSD-free), will be useful in the government’s new manuals establishing methods of community-organizing. Ayers will be assisted by his wife, Bernadine Dohrn, also of WU fame and who teaches law at Northwestern. The rumor that she has tried to run over Presbyterians is untrue and she has said she will not do that again, though makes no promises about Baptists or other republicans.
***POTUS and even VPOTUS and even FLOTUS continue to be concerned about the job situation, which is improving since thousands of jobs are being classified as extinct, therefore pushing the unemployment figures downward. People looking for jobs that don’t exist cannot be classified as unemployed—simple. Also, laid-off workers are being encouraged to apply for total disability and this has worked wonders in decreasing the rate. As Obamacare kicks in (2015 instead of 2014 at last accounting), many more will be inducted into the ranks of the disabled, partial disability now being considered for even a hang-nail. This ailment may be upgraded to 50% disability in the near future since it is seen now by the appropriate czar as hazardous to driving.
***It is rumored that POTUS and VPOTUS are furious at Senator Reid for calling the gun legislation “anti-gun” instead of “anti-assault-weapons” or something like that. This is not true and POTUS’s castigation of the Senate in the Rose Garden over the legislation’s defeat was because he simply needed a cigarette and not because he is anti-gun. Also, rigged polls showing that the citizenry supported the legislation will be castigated, as well. In the meantime after VPOTUS’s recommendation concerning the gun-needs of women, it is reported that sales for 12-gauge double-barrel shotguns are out of sight, helping the economy. Do not—REPEAT—do NOT mention the broken shoulders and arms that often happen to people when they shoot these guns for the first time.
And so it goes.
Jim Clark
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